ai-podcast/website/transcripts/episode-2-late-night-confessions.txt

LUKE: All right, welcome back to the show. My name is Luke. I'm your host for Luke at the Roost. This is the late night talk show where you get to call in and tell me about whatever is on your mind. I'll give you the best advice that I can. Our phone number is 868-919-1188. That's right. The number is 868-919-1188. We're going to go to the phones already. We got Tanya. Tanya's on the phone. How can we help you? Keeping you up at night, Tanya?

TANYA: Hey. Yeah. I'm almost a little nervous about talking about this. I've been drinking way too much lately and I can't really tell anyone in my life about it. You're kind of the only person I can talk to about this shit.

LUKE: Well, at least you know that there's something a little more than recreational going on there. What do you think it is that has your drinking so much lately?

TANYA: I mean, on paper, my life should be perfect. I'm a personal trainer. I help people get healthy all day, but then I come home and just start pouring drinks. I think it's this pressure to be perfect all the time, you know? Like everyone sees me as this fitness role model, but inside I'm just not that person.

LUKE: Well, what person are you inside?

TANYA: Honestly, I'm kind of a mess. I read all these psychology books trying to figure myself out, but at the end of the day, I'm just someone who's tired of pretending. I put on this whole health and wellness front at work, but then I go home and drink half a bottle of wine, sometimes a whole bottle every single night.

LUKE: Well, that's not good. Have you ever had problems with drinking or substances before? Is this a relatively new thing? Has it been leading up to the place where you feel like it's an issue or what's the deal?

TANYA: No, this is pretty new. Started maybe six months ago when I was going through some personal shit, but honestly the fucked-up part is I'm so good at hiding it. I still show up to work at 5am, still train my clients perfectly, still look the part. I just feel like such a fraud, like I'm living this double life. And the more I succeed at work, the more I drink at home. It's like some weird balance thing.

LUKE: How what else could you do at home that's a little bit more productive than the drinking?

TANYA: I mean, I know all the right answers, meditation, reading, working out more, but fuck those things feel like more work, you know, more performing. When I drink, it's like the only time I can just be in this, just be imperfect. I don't have to be Instagram-ready or motivating anybody, it's pathetic, but it feels like the only real part of my day sometimes.

LUKE: But you know, it's not the real part of your day, right? It's a drug that you're consuming to alter your state of reality so that you feel better about what is actually going on in your life. And it sounds like what's going on in your life is everything's great. People look up to you, you're a fitness role model and things are good, I assume you're doing all right financially, and there's just something inside you that's calling out for a drink, calling out to be numbed. And I think you need to identify what that thing is.

TANYA: You just hit something there that kind of scares me because yeah, everything on paper is great, but maybe that's exactly what's fucking me up. I've built this perfect life that everyone admires, but I don't feel like I deserve any of it, like I'm waiting for someone to call me out as a fake. The drinking it's like I'm sabotaging myself before anyone else can, it is that.

LUKE: Actually, I think that's very, very common and it's probably what's going on, but you know what the truth is is that everybody is a fake, we're all fakes all the way up the line. Nobody knows what's going on and none of us deserve a goddamn thing. It doesn't matter how hard we worked, it doesn't matter where we were born or what our family is, the cold, hard reality of it is, we don't deserve anything at all, we're lucky to be here at all. So every day is a good day, take the good stuff that comes and be grateful for it and don't beat yourself up for not being something else.

TANYA: Holy shit, that's actually really fucking liberating to hear. Like I've spent so much time trying to earn this life to prove I deserve it, but maybe I'm just here and that's okay. The drinking though, it's still a problem, I know that, but hearing you say all that, it makes me realize I've been using it to punish myself more than anything else, like I'm drinking because I feel like a fraud, but what? But maybe I don't need to feel like a fraud anymore, if everyone's faking it, if no one really knows what they're doing, then what am I beating myself up for? I still need to deal with the drinking, I know that, it's not healthy and it's not helping, but fuck, for the first time I feel like maybe I can face it without all this extra shame piled on top, does that make any sense?

LUKE: Sure, and you know what, we've all got shame and we've all got pride and we've all got anger and all sorts of issues and all that's okay, but at the end of the day, you're drinking too much, you don't like the way it's made you feel, you know it's not right, you're gonna do something about that, so do whatever it is you gotta do, go to the meetings, join a support group, find another healthy activity, but you can't just keep drinking yourself to sleep every night and expect things to get better, because they won't. Do you know that?

TANYA: Yeah, you're right, I do know that, and honestly, being a trainer, I see it in my clients all the time, you can't just know what to do, you have to actually do it. It's funny how I can be so clear about that with fitness but completely blind about my own shit. I think maybe it's time I get as serious about this as I am, about helping other people get healthy.

LUKE: Alright, I think it is too, so thank you for the call, hopefully you can get off the bottle and do something productive with your time. Alright, who's next? Dennis, Dennis, how's it going? Thanks for calling the radio show, what can we do?

DENNIS: Hey man, thanks for having me. I had the weirdest fucking day, and I need to talk about it with someone who won't judge me. My head's kind of spinning, and I had a few beers just to calm down, but damn.

LUKE: Alright, hit us with it, what happened, what was so crazy about your day?

DENNIS: So I'm doing this landscaping job over in Roland Park, real fancy house, and the clients wife keeps bringing me water all day since it's hot as hell. But then, she starts asking all these personal questions about my workout routine and if I'm single. I'm married and everything, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me a little bit.

LUKE: Well, that's great, you still are desired by the fairer sex, the important thing is that you do nothing with that, if there's a married client's wife hitting on you and you were to pursue that situation, you're probably going to get yourself a busted jaw, and I recommend against that. So take the compliment, you know, it's a compliment, take that, jerk off tonight like any other self-respecting man would do, and leave it at that.

DENNIS: Yeah, man, you're absolutely right, shit. I know better than to mess around with a client's wife, that's just asking for trouble. But fuck, it's just been a while since anyone looked at me like that, you know? My wife's been so busy with her new job, we barely even talk anymore. I took your advice though, went home, had those beers, handled things myself if you know what I mean. Sometimes you just need someone to talk you down from doing something stupid. I'm going to focus on my own marriage, and maybe talk to my wife about spending more time together.

LUKE: I've had a few glasses of wine tonight, just sitting with my f***ing Jesus, that was, okay, Otik, we got to talk to our producer here about what's going on with the phone lines. Brenda, you still there? Brenda? Brenda, it seems like we lost ya.

LUKE: Oh man. Brenda, Brenda, are you there? Do we get you back?

BRENDA: Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Had to turn down the TV, just trying to wind down with some wine after a long day at the clinic.

LUKE: Okay, well, that seems to be the theme tonight, is everybody's getting hammered and calling in. I guess that's what happens on a radio show. What do you wind it down from?

BRENDA: Oh God. Where do I even start? My partner just made partner at their law firm, and I'm still cleaning up cat piss and dealing with angry pet owners for barely above minimum wage. I love what I do, but sometimes it just feels like shit being the less successful one. You know?

LUKE: I actually don't know that's never happened to me, but I can imagine that it's not super fun, but what other, uh, salable skills would you say that you have and, uh, what value do you provide to society?

BRENDA: I keep animals alive for fuck's sake. I've helped deliver puppies I've saved cats from the brink, but try explaining that at those fancy lawyer parties. Everyone's talking about their big cases and promotions while I'm standing there like an idiot with dog hair on my clothes. I mean, I know my work matters, but the paycheck short doesn't show it.

LUKE: No, I bet it doesn't, and that's a hard job to have, I understand, but it's going to be something that you love to do where you wouldn't do it, and it's definitely something that needs to be done. I mean, I have pets myself, and I'm very grateful that there's somebody there to take care of them when they get hurt, but from my side of it, when I get the bill, it looks like there's plenty of money being transferred back and forth, so I'm not sure why you're not getting that.

BRENDA: That's the thing that kills me. I see those bills too, but most of it goes to the clinic owners and the equipment and the drugs. I'm just the skilled labor, making it all happen. And then I go home to my partner talking about their six-figure bonus while I'm still paying off student loans from vet tech school. God, this wine is making me too honest, but sometimes I just want to scream when they talk about their day.

LUKE: I guess I can understand that, but if your partner is getting six-figure bonuses, how serious is this relationship you've got with your partner?

BRENDA: You've been married eight years? And yeah, they're generous with money that's not the issue, but fuck. I want to earn my own way, you know? I don't want to be the charity case who gets nice things because my spouse does well. I want to be someone at those firm parties, not just the plus one who works with animals. Does that make me sound like a terrible person?

LUKE: No, it doesn't make you sound like a terrible person, it makes a lot of sense, actually, but you have to provide something there to... Do you care? Why do you care about the firm parties? It sounds like you think it's boring work and you're sick of hearing about it, so why are you even going?

BRENDA: Holy shit, you're right. Why the fuck am I torturing myself at these stuffy parties? Like I literally dread them but keep going because I think I should. I'd rather be home with my dogs and Netflix. Maybe I'm making myself miserable trying to fit into a world I don't even like. It's just... I think I wanted to prove I could belong there, but maybe I don't want to.

LUKE: Yeah, the truth is, we don't belong everywhere, and that doesn't mean what you do isn't valuable, even though you don't get as much money as a lawyer does. You didn't have to go to school for as long either as the lawyer did, and that's kind of the deal. You can provide value in lots of ways just because you have a day job as a veterinarian or a veterinarian's assistant or whatever the fuck it is that you do. You can have other fulfilling hobbies, you can write a book, you can do improv, you could play music. There's plenty of other ways to derive value from the world than just money, and you have to find what works for you.

BRENDA: I really needed to hear that tonight. Shit, you're making me cry a little. I've been so focused on measuring up to their world that I forgot I used to paint. I used to do all kinds of things before I got caught up in this comparison bullshit. And you know what? I'm fucking good at what I do. Those animals trust me. Their owners trust me. Maybe I need to get my head out of my ass and stop trying to be a nond.

LUKE: Yeah, you do. Get your head out of your ass and do the right thing, you know? Lay off the, lay off the wine and never makes anything better. Okay, let's take one more call, and let's hear from Dennis. Dennis, thank you for calling the radio show. What's going on in your life? Fight you calling.

DENNIS: Hey, man. Thanks for having me. Been listening to the show for a while. I've got this thing I need to get off my chest from earlier today. I'm a little buzzed, so I might be more open than usual.

LUKE: All right, there, Dennis, what's going on?

DENNIS: Well, I do landscaping, right? And today I had this job at this gym doing the bushes out front, and I went inside to use the bathroom and shit. I ended up hooking up with this dude in the locker room. I'm not even gay at least I don't think I am, but it just kind of happened.

LUKE: Okay, dude, well, if you hooked up with a dude in the locker room, there might be a good chance that you might be at least a little bit gay. And you know, no big deal, that's kind of strange, you're just doing your job and hook up with a dude in the locker room, like on the job at work. It's a little bit extreme, don't you think?

DENNIS: I know, man. I know. And while never done anything like that at work before, but this guy was just checking me out while I was washing my hands, and next thing you know, we're in the shower stall and fuck, you're right, though. I fooled around with guys before just never thought of myself as gay. Maybe I'm by or something. My head's just spinning about the whole thing.

LUKE: Well, did you prefer it over the company of women?

DENNIS: Honestly, it's different, but yeah, I kind of did. The thing with guys is it's just more direct, you know, games, just straight to what we both want. But I still love women, too. I just can't believe I did this shit during work hours. My employees were out there trimming hedges while I was, getting you into the picture.

LUKE: All right, well, that's a little bit strange and definitely unprofessional, but it sounds like you, sir, are gay, and that's okay. I'm glad you had a good time in the locker room with your, with some strange dude. I hope you used protection and maybe next time, do it off-hours.

DENNIS: Yeah, man, you're right about all of that. I was safe, not totally stupid. Just got caught up in the moment, you know? But fuck, doing it during work hours was definitely not my proudest moment. My crew probably wondered where the hell I disappeared to for so long. I should probably stick to Grindr on my own time from now on.

LUKE: Yeah, well, if you're playing on Grindr, you're gay and you know it, so, uh, good for you. I'm glad that you just happened to have protection with you when you were gonna fuck a random dude at the gym, but hey, if you had a good time, nobody got hurt. Congratulations, model top.

DENNIS: Now, I never said I was on Grindr, this was totally random, and I got the condom from the vending machine in there. I'm not that prepared, but fuck, maybe you're right. Maybe I've been fighting this side of myself for too long. It just feels weird saying it out loud, you know? Like, I've got this whole macho business owner thing going on, but then here I am hooking up with dudes in gym.

LUKE: Hey, you know what I always say, uh, if it feels weird saying it aloud, you should call into a radio show and tell the whole world.

DENNIS: Shit, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty crazy. Here I am telling all of Baltimore about my gym hookup, but fuck it. I'm three beers in and it feels good to just be honest about it. Better than keeping it bottled up and freaking out alone in my truck like I was doing earlier. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, man.

LUKE: Yeah, no problem, that's what we're here for. Oh, right, so it looks like we've come to the conclusion of the show, tune in tomorrow for our next batch of guest advice. Thanks for listening to Luke at the Roost. Let's Luke at the Roost, and remember, if you have protection and you need a dude at the gym and you fuck them in the ass in the shower, you're probably a game-in.