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LUKE: All right. Welcome back. I'm Luke, and you're listening to Luke at the Roost. This is the late night call-in radio show where you can call in and tell me what's going on in your life. I will give you the very best advice that I possibly can. Today is Wednesday, March 11th, and we're going to get to the phones right away. First up, we've got Earl. Earl, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life today, buddy? How can we have help you.
EARL: Am I on? Okay, yeah. Hey, Luke, thanks for taking my call. I know it's late on a Wednesday, appreciate you staying up with us. So, ah, I run a junkyard out here, been doing it about 12 years now. Bought the place from this guy who moved to Arizona, and it's been pretty straightforward, you know, people bring in their cars, I strip the parts, sell what I can.
LUKE: Okay, so what's on your mind? What's the problem at the junkyard?
EARL: Right, so three days ago, Sunday, I was in the back because the paperwork's being piling up. There's this wall in there, and I always figured it was just, you know, the exterior wall. But I'm knocking on it to see where I can mount some brackets, and it sounds hollow, really hollow. So I get a sledgehammer, and I start breaking through, thinking maybe there's some storage space back there or something.
LUKE: All right, well, that's balzy. You just start taking a sledgehammer to your wall. What'd you find back there?
EARL: A whole room, Luke. I mean a whole furnished room. There's a couch in there with the plastic still on it, like someone just bought it and never sat on it. There's a mini fridge that's plugged in and running Has been this whole time, I guess. And the walls, all four walls, they're covered in polaroids.
LUKE: It sounds like a loss situation Were you able to find any other doors? Any ingress or egress?
EARL: That's the thing. No. There's no other door. The only way in is through the hole I made in my office wall. I walked around the outside of the building twice, checked every angle. There's no door, no window, no vent big enough for a person. It's just...
LUKE: never noticed that there was this whole other room tacked onto your building? I mean, you couldn't see that from the outside?
EARL: No, that's what I'm saying. From the outside, the building looks normal. The dimensions match up. It's not like there's this obvious addition sticking out. I measured it, Luke. The room is maybe 10 by 12, but when you're outside, there's no extra footage.
LUKE: Okay, so you found yourself a magic room that's furnished but unused. What's on the Polaroids?
EARL: regular people at parties, barbecues, birthday cakes with candles. There's got to be maybe 40, 50 photos up there. Different groups, different occasions, but I don't recognize a single face.
LUKE: That's a unique situation you find yourself in. Did you find any interesting treasures in there? Is it just the Polaroids or was there other stuff besides a couch and some Polaroids?
EARL: There's a coffee table, a couple of folding chairs stacked in the corner. The mini fridge, I opened it, and there's three Coors lights in there that are still cold. Luke. After 12 years or however long this room's been sealed up, there's an ashtray on the table, clean, never been used.
LUKE: All right, so you've been paying electricity on this bridge. You got a room in there that mysteriously is invisible from the outside, and it looks like it's been unused for 12-plus years. Are you going to drink the beers?
EARL: I, yeah. I already drank one last night. That's part of why I'm calling.
LUKE: You drank a decade's old beer? How was it?
EARL: That's the thing. It tasted fine. I tasted like I just pulled it out of a cooler, cold, fresh, no weird aftertaste. And I keep thinking about the other two sitting in there.
LUKE: Okay, so what do you think about this room? What is it? Why is it there? Why was it walled off? And what are you going to do with it now?
EARL: I don't know, man. That's why I keep going back there after I close up. I sit on that couch and I look at those photos and I try to figure it out. The guy I bought the place from Jerry Hoskins. He swears he never knew about it.
LUKE: hole that you created in the wall, that you also disappear, that your mask cannot be seen from outside?
EARL: I, I hadn't thought about that. Jesus, I've been in there alone every time.
LUKE: Yeah, you might want to check that out. You might have yourself a Bermuda Triangle situation going on. You think I should have someone watch me go in, see if I just vanish from their side?
EARL: Yeah, man. I mean, what happens on the island happened. It all really happens.
LUKE: doesn't exist except when you enter it. I mean, maybe neither do you.
EARL: That's okay. That's freaking me out a little, because I've been spending hours in there. Like last night I was in there from 9.30 till past midnight, just sitting there drinking that beer, looking at the photos, and nobody knew where I was.
LUKE: Yeah, of course nobody knew where you were. You were teleported into another dimension. I think when you enter that room, you leave the bounds of physics and logic and everything stops. Like, there's no time in that room. You don't age when you're in that room. And anything that you do in that room is completely separate and isolated from the reality of the earth.
EARL: Wait, so you're saying the three hours I was in there last night? That might not have been three hours out here? Because I checked my watch when I left and it was after midnight. But...
LUKE: I mean, that's exactly what I'm saying. Did you jerk off in there?
EARL: What? No. No, I've just been sitting there looking at the pictures. Drinking the beer.
LUKE: You got a secret room with a couch in another dimension and you didn't even rub one out? How are you even talking to me? Like, that's not human.
EARL: I, look, it's not like that. The whole thing's being too weird to even think about. That. I've been trying to figure out whose room it is. Who these people are? There's this one photo, this barbecue scene. And there's a guy flipping burgers who looks a little like my uncle, but it's not him, you know?
LUKE: my life and shifted it sideways. Yeah, don't jerk off to that. That sounds depressing. I think you've stepped into like a multiverse, another dimension, and you've found a secret place, and anything that happens in there is magic. So my advice to you is to get a friend to watch as you enter the room and see what happens. Also, check your watch to see if time is moving by at the same rate that you expected to be.
EARL: Okay, yeah, I can do that. My buddy Rick, he comes by the yard most Thursday, to pick through the metal scrap. I could have him watch me go in tomorrow.
LUKE: There you go. That sounds like a good plan. Thanks for the call. That's a weird thing. Congratulations on your new square footage. Not everybody gets to say that they found a special hidden room. But that's cool. All right, next up, we've got Candy. Candy, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life? How can we help you tonight?
CANDY: Hey, Luke. So I'm calling because I just got roped into organizing the monthly potluck at work. And I am not doing it. I'm not. people bring food that should be considered a workplace hazard. Last week, somebody brought tuna casserole that had been sitting in their car since morning. And the week before that, Sharon's enchiladas, put three people out with food poisoning, but nobody will say anything because she's been at the thrift store for 15 years.
LUKE: You have an employee potluck at a thrift store? Like, you have enough employees to do that? It must be a pretty big thrift store.
CANDY: Yeah, it's one of the bigger ones in town. We've got maybe 20 people between the floor staff, the Sorders, and back, and the donation center crew. The management thinks the potlock builds morale or whatever. But honestly, it just builds resentment because half the people don't bring anything. And the other half brings stuff that's either store-bought or actively dangerous. And now they volunteered me to organize next months without even asking if I wanted to do it. My boyfriend says, just bring chips and let it go.
LUKE: But my friend Jackie agrees with me that this is worth pushing back on.
CANDY: Yeah, you don't have to push back on. I just don't do it. That's it. That's the end of the potlock. Potlucks are the worst. They're the worst thing ever. Nobody's potato salad is for fucking good, all right? I know you all think you've got the secret recipe for the best potato salad, but potato salad is gross. Everything that you see at a potluck that is in store a lot is gross.
LUKE: I'm not interested in anybody's potluck or trying out anybody's secret fucking family recipe for anything. They put onions and everything, and it's never a good idea. Just don't do the potluck. If you want lunch, take everybody to McDonald's. Shit.
CANDY: See, that's what I'm saying. Thank you. Nobody wants to admit that they're workers cooking is terrible because it's supposed to be this bonding thing. But it's not bonding when you're trying to figure out if you need to call in sick the next day.
LUKE: And the potato salad, oh my God. There's always three different potato salads and they all have that weird warm mayo thing going on because they've been sitting out for two hours. Yeah, it's gross. It's inhumane and nobody should ever do the podlock. If you want to have that bonding situation at lunchtime with everybody, then get yourself a grill. Right? You go down to the store and you buy a fucking industrial store size box of hot dogs and make up with some hot dogs and hamburgers like a like, like normal God-fearing Americans would do.
CANDY: Right, exactly. Something where you can actually see it being cooked in front of you. Not something that came out of someone's trunk that's been God knows where. But here's the thing, Luke. They're acting like I'm the problem for saying no to this. My manager pulled me aside today and was like, we need someone organized to take charge. And I said, I didn't volunteer for it. And she just smiled and said, well, you're perfect for it anyway. Like that's supposed to make it okay that they just assign me extra work I don't get paid for. And now I'm the bad guy if I don't do it, because everyone's expecting it.
LUKE: Well, it's not really a whole lot of extra work organizing a potluck, okay? I know it might feel that way. It might feel overwhelming with your current workload at the thrift store, but it's really not. All you have to do is set up a table and let people bring in their crap. But I think you should show some leadership and just flat out not do it. Don't do your homework. And maybe that will get the point across that potlucks are awful, nobody wants them. waste of everybody's time. I've been to lots and lots of potlucks, and I will not eat anything at a potluck. Unless, like we said there, it's cooked on a grill in front of me, and it's just a hamburger or a hot dog. Even then, I'm skeptical about it because people like to put their spin on the hamburger. Like, ah, you got to try my secret hamburger. No, I don't want anything that is weird or strange or different. Give me a fucking plain hamburger. Well, a cheeseburger, but it's going to be good deli cheese. I don't want the craft singles cheese on my cheeseburger. That's wrong. Just a hot dog? You know, you get yourself some ketchup, some mayo, maybe relish if you're feeling frisky, and call it a day. Nobody needs chips. Nobody needs salad. Nobody needs sides. You get a hot dog and a bottle of water and then get back to work.
CANDY: Oh, I wish it was that simple. But here's the kicker. If I don't organize it, they'll just assign it to someone else. He'll let it slide again. And we'll end up with another Sharon enchilada incident and I cannot live through that again. Last time, I had to listen to Karen from donations, whimpering in the breakroom like a kicked puppy for two days straight. But also, I hate being the one who has to say no to this stuff, because then I'm the mean one.
LUKE: Well, you're not organizing what people bring to the potluck. That defeats the whole purpose of the potluck. So here's my advice for you. Don't do it, because you don't want to support this insanity. Just don't do it. And then if they assign somebody else to the potluck, don't eat anything there. And it'll just, sit there on the table and rot, and people will be like, I don't want my potato salad. And, uh, could.
CANDY: You know what? You're right. I'm overthinking this. I should just tell my manager tomorrow that I'm not doing it. And if she wants a potluck, she can organize it herself or find someone who actually wants to. And then when it happens, I'll just bring my own lunch from home and eat it at my desk like a normal person.
LUKE: There you go. That's the right answer. Uh, no potlucks. Don't participate in them any the way. don't make something to bring it to a potluck. And if somebody does, don't eat it. And if you're the asshole for not participating in the potluck, well, good on you. It takes a village. Next up, we've got Mitch. Mitch, thanks for calling in. How can we help you today? What'd you have for lunch?
MITCH: Hey, Luke. Appreciate your taking the call. Lunch was a gas station burrito around noon. So we're about 12 hours past that now. Listen, I've been getting this weird interference on my radio telescope setup the last three nights.
LUKE: Okay, you're getting interference in the telescope or on the radio link?
MITCH: On the radio telescope itself, I built this setup in my backyard. Nothing fancy. Just a parabolic dish I welded together and some SDR equipment to pick up signals. Been running it for about eight months now. Mostly tracking satellites. Looking at Jupiter emissions. That kind of thing. But starting Sunday night, right at 247 in the morning, I get this static burst that cuts out all my data for about 90 seconds.
LUKE: All right. Well, that could have been, there's high solar activity right now. It could have been a little burp from the sun, one of them coronal mass injections. It could have been interference from the military playing around, ice doing their thing. The laser tracking shoot-down drone machines. Who knows? There's lots of things it could be. It could be, did you watch pluribus? It could be a DNA sequence for a greater being that is trying to take over our consciousness.
MITCH: Right. And I thought about the solar activity. Check to Noah charts. Nothing unusual those nights. But here's the thing that's bothering me. It's the exact same time three nights in a row. 247 a.m. on the dot. Solar bursts don't keep a schedule like that.
LUKE: Yeah, neither do aliens. You know who does keep schedules like that? Humans do. That's somebody's garage door opener or the military playing some games out there doing testing. That's not anything to be concerned about if it's happening at the same exact time every day. Because time is our own concept, right? Time doesn't exist, man. It's not a real thing, man.
MITCH: Okay, but here's where it gets weird. My neighbor, the same guy who reported my antenna to the HOA last month, saying it was attracting attention, he's the one who called animal control on my dog yesterday. And my ex-wife somehow knew about the citation before I even got home to see it taped to my door.
LUKE: All right, did you ask her how she knew about that? Did she maybe prompt the citation? this guy to do it. Does she like you? Do you get along? Why are you talking to your ex-wife? There's a whole bunch of questions there. None of them seem relevant to the initial reason you called. What are you talking about, sir?
MITCH: You're right. I'm connecting things that might not connect. She texted me because our daughter got scratched by the dog. She's fine, just a scratch. But the neighbor's saying my kid was teasing the dog through the fence with a stick, which is impossible because I built that fence myself. And the slats are too close together for that. But what I'm saying is, this neighbor reports my antenna, then a month later I start getting interference at the exact same time every night, and then suddenly he's calling animal control? That's a pattern.
LUKE: That's not a pattern.
LEON: Hey, Luke. Yeah. So I'm calling from the break room at work right now. And, okay, so this is wild. You know Mrs. Pacheco. Well, not you specifically, but she's the crossing guard at my daughter's school. Desert Vista Elementary. Been walking me at a class for like two years now. Sweet lady? to vest, the whole thing. Anyway, last month my buddy Carlos made me watch this poker documentary with him. And I'm not even into poker, really, but he was insistent. And there's this whole segment about the World Series of poker from 2009, and Luke, it was her.
LUKE: Well, that's great. Good for her. She's good at the poker. Everybody knows Miss Pacheco. Of course, she's the crossing guard lady that plays poker.
LEON: No, no, no. You don't understand. She won $340,000 and a bracelet. Like the actual World Series of poker, the real deal, and now she's standing out there in the wind every morning making 12 bucks an hour, helping kids cross the street.
LUKE: Well, I mean, you only saw her win. You didn't see how many times she lost, or if she was staked by somebody else. Like, you got to pay taxes on that money. She's got bills and debts and a house to deal with. So, yeah. Maybe she just enjoys standing out in the road at all types of weather and helping the little ones cross the street.
LEON: Right. Yeah. actually what she said when I brought it up to her this morning. I was dropping off Mia and I was like, hey, I saw you on this documentary. Congratulations on that whole thing. And she just smiled at me, like this calm smile. And said she likes the job.
LEON: But that's the thing that's messing with me because my girlfriend, Vanessa, thinks I shouldn't have said anything at all. Like it's none of my business what happened to the money or why she's doing that job. But then my mom, who already doesn't like that me and Vanessa are living together without being married, she's all like people who gamble always lose it eventually. It's in their nature. And I'm sitting here thinking, wait, is it? Is that true? I mean, in the vast majority of cases, people that play games of chance lose. That's how most of the games are set up. Poker's a little bit different, though. There's a skill involved, and the people that are good at it can show wins over time. Yeah, they're going to lose lots, but the goal is to win more times than you lose.
LUKE: Maybe the top fucking 3% of poker players stay in the money for the long term.
LEON: Okay, so that makes sense, but here's what I can't figure out. She didn't seem embarrassed at all when I mentioned it. Like if I had won that kind of money and then lost it all and was working for $12 an hour, I'd be mortified if someone brought it up. But she was just pleasant about it, almost like she was proud of it still. And now I'm wondering if maybe she didn't lose it. Maybe she just wanted the job anyway.
LUKE: Yeah, and it's none of your business. And she won a championship. Of course she's going to be proud of that. Maybe she spent the money. It was her money to spend. That's her prerogical. Maybe she bought herself a nice house or it's sitting in a bank account somewhere, collecting interest. Maybe she opened up an account with our sponsor, crypto, no! And lost it all to the soothing ocean sounds that they play. Who knows? But it's not important. She's happy. She's enjoying her life, and that's the important part here.
LEON: You're right, you're right. But okay, so here's where it gets complicated. Because Vanessa is mad at me for even asking us about it like I crossed some line. But then at the same time, she keeps bringing up how we need to save more money for me as college fund, and we're barely making ends meet with my welding job and her working at the clinic. And I think maybe part of why this is bothering me is because here's someone who had all this money and chose to stand in the street. And we're over here stressing about every dollar. Does that make sense, or am I just being weird about this?
LUKE: You're just being weird about this. You can't compare yourself to somebody else's life. But it sounds like maybe you could ask Ms. Picaccio or whatever the fucker name was for some poker lessons. And there you go. You can invest your incomes in your poker career. And maybe you too can win a $375,000 world series of poker tour, of which you'll probably see 200K and then your family will all come begging like you're a millionaire when you're not. It sounds like a curse. So, I don't know. But this is none of your business.
LEON: Okay, yeah, you're totally right. It's none of my business. But now I'm thinking about what you just said about everyone coming around begging, because that's exactly what my mom said would happen if we ever came into money. She said Vanessa's family would be all over us. Which is crazy because Vanessa's family has been nothing but nice to us. They helped us with a down payment on the trailer. And now I'm wondering if my mom is projecting something. Like maybe when she was younger, something happened with money in her family.
LUKE: Who knows and who cares? You're an adult. You don't have to worry about what your mother says. And you're not coming into any money. Just calling radio stations about other people's lives. So get out there, and if you need more money, change your career or work harder or ask for it, find a way. And then you can learn how to deal with people that come looking for it.
LEON: You're absolutely right. I'm sitting here in the break room at 2 in the morning, obsessing about a crossing guards poker winnings instead of figuring out my own situation. That's ridiculous. I appreciate you calling me out on that, Luke. I needed to hear it.
LUKE: Yeah, you did. You did need to hear it. So take care of your own show and stop looking at what is going on in other people's lives. The crossing guard's happy. The kids like her all as well with the world. Next up, we've got Angie. Angie, welcome to the show. What's going on?
ANGIE: Hey, Luke. So I went to Tucson. Had the birthday dinner with my mom and Derek.
LUKE: Okay, you're going to have to remind me. Who are you? What was the birthday? Oh, you're the lady that your mom was dying and she wanted to have cake, right? How was the cake?
ANGIE: Yeah, that's me. The cake was fine. I brought those relighting candles like I said I would. My mom loved that. Kept blowing them out and laughing every time they came back on. Derek sat there the whole time looking at his phone.
LUKE: Well, that sounds perfect because you were concerned that Derek was going to be a douchebag the whole time. So that sounds like the best case scenario. And your mom's happy and you fulfilled your obligation. So why are you calling me tonight?
ANGIE: Because he cornered me in the driveway after. I was loading up my car and he comes out and says he needs to talk to me about mom's care, says she's told him she wants to stop treatment, and he thinks I'm the one who put that idea in her head.
LUKE: Are you the one that put that idea in her head?
ANGIE: No. I didn't even know she was thinking about it. She hasn't said anything to me about stopping treatment.
LUKE: Yeah, it was probably the extreme left wing, what do they call them? I'm trying to think of, libtards.
ANGIE: Yeah, it was the lib tards that did it. He actually said something like that. He said the doctors are probably pushing it because of cost, or some conspiracy. I told him maybe mom's just tired, Luke. She's been doing chemo for eight months.
LUKE: Yeah, she's old. She got to see her kids have cake together. That was her last wish, and she's had enough fighting. And I think that anybody in that situation should have the agency to make that choice on their own. So if that's what she wants to do, good for her. And if your brother is pissed at you about it, then fuck him. But fuck him anyway, because he was a douchebag pretty much all the time, right?
ANGIE: Yeah, but here's the thing. He wants me to go with him to her next appointment, to talk to the doctor together. Says if we're both there, we can make sure she's thinking clearly and not being influenced.
LUKE: Well, maybe that's not such a bad idea, and you can keep him off of them, right, while she discusses her care with her doctor, as she should be allowed to do.
ANGIE: I guess. I just don't want to be in a room with him and some oncologist while he accuses everyone of trying to kill our mom. And I don't know if she even wants us there. He didn't ask her. He just decided we should do it.
LUKE: Yeah, well, you shouldn't do anything without your mom say so. She's still lucid. She's still got her faculties, and she can make those decisions on her own. If you want to go, ask your mom if she wants you to be there.
ANGIE: You're right. I should just call her and ask. Not make it about Derek at all. Just see what she actually wants. Because this whole thing might just be him freaking out and trying to control something he can't control.
LUKE: Yeah, of course it is. And if it's not, then. And the only way that you're going to know is by talking to your mom. And you should have that conversation anyway. She's dying. It might be one of the last conversations you have. Ask her what she's thinking. Ask her what it's like. This is an opportunity for you to understand what's going through somebody's mind in their final days or hours. And that's a gift. So if you have the opportunity to talk to her now about those important real life things, that's a big deal. And you should take advantage of her now of it.
ANGIE: Yeah. I've been avoiding asking her anything real because I don't want to make her sad or make it about me. But you're right. She might actually want to talk about it.
LUKE: Yeah.
LUKE: And if she doesn't want to talk about it, she'll let you know that. But I would guess, and in my experience, people that are there are very much willing to explain what's going on to you because they wish somebody had explained it to them. And it is a special experience that you can have with somebody. That it's going to actually important.
CALLER: on you some wisdom. I'm going to call her tomorrow morning, before work. And I'll ask if she wants me at the appointment. And I'll ask her what she's actually thinking about all of it. Not what Derek thinks she should be thinking.
LUKE: Well, there you go. That's the right answer. And I wish you all the best of luck there. It doesn't sound like a fun situation, but it sounds like you're all dealing with it the best you can. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've got to go to another ad from our sponsors. I'm going to be straight with you. I don't know what this product does. The folks at Bunkhouse DNS sent me a script, and I've read it four times, and I understand maybe 11% of it. Apparently, your DNS is exposed, which sounds medical. Your queries are being logged by default, which sounds illegal. And Bunkhouse reroutes your lookups through encrypted tunnels, which sounds like something a villain would say in a movie before the building explodes. What I can tell you is this. I installed it. I pressed one button and a little shield icon turned green. Green means good. I know that much. My internet still works. Nothing exploded. And apparently, my queries, whatever those are, are now private, which feels like progress, even though I don't fully understand progress from what? Bunkhouse DNS. I don't know what it does, but the shield is green, and that's enough for me. Okay. And we're back. We're going to change the vibe a little bit, turned on the vibe dial. Lower the lights. And we're going to continue with Luke at the Roost, your favorite radio show. Next up we've got Sal. Sal, welcome to the show. How can we help you tonight, sir?
SAL: Hey, Luke. Yeah, so. I found a pill bottle in my kid's backpack. My name was on it, but somebody scratched it off with a key or something. These are the oxy they gave me. After my shoulder surgery last fall, I thought I had them put away in the garage.
LUKE: Well, obviously, you weren't paying attention to where you put your controlled substances and your kids get a hold of them. So whose fault is that, sir? Hopefully you took them away from him and you're going to have a conversation about how he got them and why he had them in his backpack before you end up having that conversation at the police station or with one of his classmates that overdoses in lunch.
SAL: Yeah, no. I took them. I got the bottle. But here's the thing, Luke. I counted them. There's the same number that was in there when I put them away. He didn't take any. He just has them.
LUKE: Well, he had them. You've removed them from his possession, and now you have them. And what you're going to do with them now is put them in a secure, locked container where only you can get to them. And you're not going to have them walking away to the school yard because that is irresponsible. And why do you have the oxies anyway if you're not taking them? If you don't need them, they probably shouldn't be hanging around the house. Because I don't know if you've heard, but they cause problems for people.
SAL: I know, I know. Look, I had the surgery in October. I used maybe half of them. I kept the rest. Because you never know, right?
LUKE: Yeah. You never know when your child is going to find them and put them in his backpack and take them to school and give them away to his friends. And you never know when those friends are going to die right there. And you never know when that's going to be your fault.
SAL: All right. Yeah, I hear you! I'll get rid of them. But that's not. Luke, the real question is, do I tell his mom about this? Because she's been clean. Two years. She had her own thing with pills before. And if I tell her I found these in his backpack, she's going to know immediately they're mine. She's going to know I've been holding on to them.
LUKE: Well, you would prescribe these pills and you're holding on to them because you're an adult, and you made the decision that they might be good to have around for some reason. Should you tell the mother of your child that the child took the pills from you and then just walked around with them in his backpack for God knows how long. I don't know. Probably not. I don't know that that would help the situation any. What I would recommend is you should talk to your son and ask him why he took the pills, what he was doing with him, and what his intentions were, and explain to him the dangers of oxycontin and what type of opioids. Explain to him what opioids are about and have the conversation about drugs and how they can in your life and see where he's at with that. So you talk to him and let him know that if he continues, you're going to tell his mother, but for her own protection, you don't have to mention it this one time because there was no harm done. But next time, they very well could be harm done, okay?
SAL: Yeah, but Luke, that's the thing. I don't think he took them to use them or sell them or whatever. I think he took them because, I don't know, like insurance or something. Like he knows. They know's their mine. He scratched my name off.
LUKE: And that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Insurance against what? Insurance against, what, you grounding him? You're going to be like, well, if you don't let me go play with my friends, I'm not going to give you your important pain medication. If that's the case, your child might be a psychopath, and maybe you need to have a very different conversation.
SAL: No, not like that. More like insurance against me. Like maybe he knows about us other stuff I've got stashed. Maybe he's holding on to them so I know he knows.
LUKE: That is insane. But what other stuff do you have stashed, probably unsecured and available for a child to take to school?
SAL: I mean nothing like that. Just look, I've got some things in the garage, tools, some equipment from jobs, nothing illegal. But the kid's been going through my stuff clearly, and I don't know what he's seen or what he thinks he knows.
LUKE: Ah, well, you sound like a disturbed gentleman, and it sounds like maybe you're stashing some guns or drugs or stolen Native American women or maybe industrial weapons-grade plutonium. Who knows? I don't know what's in your garage. Only you can know that. But the stuff that is important, dangerous, maybe should be locked up, perhaps in a gun safe. You can get one of those at Harbor Freight or at a gun safe store. And you might be interested to learn that if you buy a safe, there's no tax on that. Isn't that nice?
SAL: Yeah, I know about the safes. I've been meaning to get one. But Luke, you're missing what I'm asking here. Do I confront him about the pills or not?
LUKE: I don't believe I missed that. You never asked me if you should confront him. You asked me if you should confront his mother, to which I replied, no. And then I further elucidated that you should talk to him about drugs and how they can affect somebody's life in the long term, like a good father would. Because it seems like it's probably the time in his life where he's curious. And you might, uh, might be able to fend off some serious issues later in life. Also, if nothing else, you can ask why he would take your pills for insurance against what exactly?
SAL: All right, yeah, you're right. I need to talk to him directly. I just, I've been avoiding it because I work nights most of the week. And when I am home, he's either at school or locked in his room.
LUKE: You see, he has the right idea with the whole life up the room. That's, I mean, maybe you should take a cue from your son, because he seems to understand how to protect things that he doesn't want other people to have access to. So, I mean, this is another option that might work for you.
CRYSTAL: Hey, Luke. Yeah. I got something. So I'm an embalmer, right? And last week this guy comes in. I'm doing the prep work. And I find a post-it note in his jacket pocket. It says, Crystal, if you're reading this, I'm sorry about the thing with your mom. You deserved better.
LUKE: You did. I'm sorry about that thing with your mom, too.
CRYSTAL: No, Luke. That's the thing. I have no idea who this guy is. Never seen him before in my life. He's 72 years old. Names Douglas. Kemper died of a heart attack. I asked around. Nobody in my family knows a Douglas Kemper. My mom doesn't know him.
LUKE: Uh, no, your mom doesn't remember him. Because she gets around quite a bit. That's what I'm telling you. Is you can't really be sure who knew your mom in that way.
CRYSTAL: Luke, my mom's been married to my stepdad for 30 years. And before that, she was with my dad. She's not getting around. She works at the DMV and goes to bed at 8.30. This note dated from two weeks ago. He wrote it two weeks before he died.
CRYSTAL: Well, I think you're confused about your mom and who she is because I was with her last night at about 10.30.
LUKE: Luke, you weren't with my mom. My mom's 64 years old and she's got a knee replacement scheduled for next month.
CRYSTAL: But here's what's really messing me up. I looked him up. Douglas Kemper. Never lived in the same town as us? Never worked anywhere near my family.
LUKE: Did you ever wonder how your mom wore out her knee?
CRYSTAL: I don't. You're really committed to this bit. Anyway, the note says the thing with your mom, like I'm supposed to know what that means. And he's apologizing to me specifically. He knew my name. He knew I'd be the one finding it.
LUKE: Yeah, I actually leave posted notes around town for you, too, because I know that someday you're going to find out the truth.
CRYSTAL: The truth about what, Luke? Because I'm sitting here at 11 at night eating Circle K sushi, trying to figure out how a complete stranger knew I'd be the one handling his body. That's the part that's getting to me. Not whatever weird thing you're implying about my mom.
LUKE: Yeah, I mean the truth about your mom and how giving she is.
CRYSTAL: Luke, I don't know what you're getting at with this, but I'm telling you, this guy left a note in his pocket. It was folded up real small like he knew someone would find it. It says, Crystal, I'm sorry about the thing with your mom.
LUKE: Yeah, well, your mom is frequently at establishments that I frequent. Like, she's all often at the Lordsburg Gloryhole. She's a frequent appear down at the old Amazing's sex shop where she jerks off truckers in the parking lot. And we salute her. She gets a lot of work done. She covers a lot of ground. And she's been with a lot of people. Your mom is quite a slut.
CRYSTAL: Luke, my mom volunteers at the church bake sale and her idea of a wild Friday is getting the premium car wash. But fine, you want to do this fit? We can do this bit. What I'm actually asking you is, do I tell her about this note? Because either this Douglas Kemper knew something real, or he was confused and thought I was someone else. And if it's real, if there actually is a thing with my mom, I don't know about. Do I really want to open that door?
LUKE: We've all opened that door, my friend. And let me tell you, it's not that tight.
CRYSTAL: You know what? I'm going to take that as a no. Don't tell her. Because you're right about one thing. Some doors you can't close once you open them. And maybe whatever Douglas Kemper thought he needed to apologize for, it died with him.
LUKE: Maybe it did. I don't know. But you are right about that. Some doors, you cannot close once you open them. Like, very similarly to your mother's legs.
CRYSTAL: Oh, right, Luke. I appreciate the advice buried somewhere under all that. I'm going to toss the note and pretend I never saw it.
LUKE: All right, good for you. tell your mom I said hello.