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LUKE: All right, welcome back. I am Luke, and I'm your host tonight for Luke at the Roost. This is the late-night call-in radio show where you can give me a call and tell me what's going on in your life, what kind of problems you have, advice you need, and I'll give you the very best top-notch advice. Humanly possible. That's what I'm saying tonight. Humanly possible. Nobody could do it better. If you'd like to give us a call, the number is two. 208 439 5853. That's 208-439 Luke. Sorry we didn't have an episode last night. I was sleepy and I didn't feel good. So I reached out and got us a new sponsor that helped me out with the situation. And now I'm feeling much better. And you'll hear more from them a little later in the show. But now it's time to go to the phones. And on the phones, we've got Alonzo. Alonzo, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life? How can I help you?
ALONZO: about ranch dressing, and now I'm sitting in my garage at two in the morning trying to prove I was right about pizza toppings. I know how that sounds, but here's the thing, Luke. We have leftover pizza for Mama's Pizza on Stone, right? Good Pizza! She comes home, opens the box, and squirts ranch dressing all over a perfectly good slice.
LUKE: Don't call me with this shit. This is stupid. If she likes ranch dressing on our pizza, fine. It's no reason to have a... this is silly. Do you have something real to talk about, or are you just gonna waste You're right. You're absolutely right. That's not why she left. Get to it. Tell us the truth. What is going on? And why are you calling a radio show at 2 in the morning?
ALONZO: I told her the nun thing was just interesting history. That I was reading about Sister Teresa Regina Confroy, because she had the same name as her and died last August, and I thought it was worth mentioning. But Teresa looked at me like I'd brought a dead bird to the dinner table. She said, you looked up when a nun with my name died.
LUKE: Yeah, that's a little bit weird. I've never heard of Sister Teresa Regina Confroy before, but can you fill us in on why she was a notable figure?
ALONZO: Confroy, C-O-N-F-R-O-Y, she was 91 years old, passed away in New Jersey. She was not particularly notable, that is the point.
LUKE: Okay, so you mentioned a nun died, an old nun died, and you mentioned this to your wife because they share a name, and she left?
ALONZO: That's not, look, I'm not explaining this right. I didn't just mention it. I brought it up three times in one day. First at breakfast, then when she was packing, then again, when she was walking out the door. I kept saying, you know, it's interesting, a nun with your name just died. You ever think about that? And she kept saying, no, Rodney, I don't think about that. And I kept saying, well, you should.
LUKE: What the fuck? What? What point were you trying to get across? Why?
ALONZO: I don't know. That's why I'm calling you at two in the morning from my garage floor instead of being in bed with my wife. I manage timelines for a living.
LUKE: All right, buddy. Well, I don't know that there's any advice that can help you with this one. That's a weird thing. That's a weird thing you're doing. Maybe apologize to her?
ALONZO: Yes, I want her to come back. Of course I want her to come back. And yes, I'm apologetic. But I'm also right about the ranch dressing. You can't just put ranch on everything and call it food.
LUKE: All right, buddy, good luck with that. I hope it all works out for you, okay. dressing is not something to get that upset about. Next up on the line, we've got Mavis. Mavis, welcome to the show.
MAVIS: Do you teach typing?
LUKE: Oh gosh, no. I work nights at the sudsy bucket laundromat over on Highway 60. But Luke, something happened tonight that I cannot stop thinking about, and I don't know if I should feel blessed or terrified or what. A complete stranger just handed me $500 in cash at a truck stop three hours ago and drove away before I could even say thank you.
LUKE: Yeah, you don't see that every night at the sudsy bucket. So do you think it's real money? What did the vehicle look like that he pulled up in to give you the money? Maybe this is a pay-it-forward thing. Maybe he thought you were somebody else, or maybe just, I don't know, remember that movie where the guy felt like a jerk, so he, like, robbed a bank or something and then threw it out in the streets to everybody for repentance?
MAVIS: It was a she, actually. woman in a Subaru with Colorado plates kind of beat up looking car and Luke she looked right at me when she handed me the envelope and said you look like you need this more than me that's what's getting to me what did she see in my face
LUKE: the movie I'm thinking of is actually breaking bad when Jesse Pinkman felt repentance for his deeds after that little boy was killed and he went a little bit nuts for a while and threw his money all over the street neither here nor there. The important thing is, why did this lady give you free money? What did she see in your face? I don't know, do you need the money more than she did? Are you, are you well kept? Are you clean? Are you, like, fed and all that? Are you taken care of?
MAVIS: I mean, yeah, I'm fine. I shower. I eat. I've got a roof over my head. But I was coming off a double shift and I probably looked exhausted. And my boyfriend and I have been fighting about money Somehow? Like, I don't know, maybe I have that worn-down look people get when they're counting pennies. The electric bill's overdue, and I've been picking up extra shifts, so maybe it showed on my face more than I thought. But $500, Luke? That's not pocket change you give to someone who just looks a little tired.
LUKE: Yeah, no, it usually isn't, but I mean, maybe for her today it was. Maybe she was on a Jesse Pinkman-like quest to repent for something that she did. her money, you know, and she felt bad that she had it and was looking for something good to do with it. Like the guy that called in the other day who faked his cancer diagnosis, and then the town raised money for him. He felt bad about having that money. So maybe it's one of those situations. Maybe it's a Mr. Beast kind of thing where the money made from an event is then distributed to people that might need it. Who knows? Who knows? But if it's real money, if it's not counterfeit money, you might want to take it and check, then that was just a nice thing that a stranger did for you, and I don't think you have to worry much more about it than that.
MAVIS: You're right. I should probably check if it's real. I didn't even think about that. I've just been sitting here in the back office staring at it. But Luke, here's the thing that's really eating at me.
LUKE: Oh, yeah, what is it? Hurry up with it.
MAVIS: My boyfriend said last week we can't afford a ring, but this is exactly enough for the one I've been looking at. And part of me is wondering if this woman's showing up right after that conversation means something? Like the universe. is telling me to just do it myself. But the other part of me knows the electric bill is two months behind, and that's the responsible choice. I genuinely cannot tell if using this money for an engagement ring would be the most romantic thing I've ever done, or the stupidest.
LUKE: It would be the stupidest, because that's not how it works, right? If you're going to get engaged to somebody, it's his job to get you the ring. And he has to go around to all your family and friends and listen to what you say and drop little hints to get information. about what you might like in a ring, and it's a whole thing. But it's on him to do. You can't force that engagement by getting yourself a ring. That's not only lame, but it's going to end poorly. Because if he's not ready to get married, he's not ready to get married. And if you don't have the money to get married, you don't have the money yet. You've got to pay your bills first, right? Or you will need that money.
MAVIS: Oh gosh, you're right. I know you're right.
MAVIS: It's just, we've been together four years, and I'm 32, and sometimes I feel like I'm for him to be ready for something I've been ready for since year two. But you're absolutely right that buying my own engagement ring is pathetic.
LUKE: It's pathetic and wrong because you'd be forcing him into something he obviously isn't ready to do yet. And it's okay for him to not be ready to get married. That's a big decision and just because you want it doesn't mean he does. So I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and if you really need to get married for whatever reason, then maybe he's not the right guy for you. Maybe he is and he just legitimately doesn't have money right now. You should have that conversation. But if it's super important to you to get married and it doesn't seem that important to him, don't force him into it or 10 years down the line, you're going to be all pissed off at him.
MAVIS: You know what, Luke? That's fair. I think I've been so focused on the timeline I wanted that I haven't really listened to what he's been saying. He's not saying no. He's saying not yet. And those are different things. And honestly, if I'm being real with myself, the reason that woman's $500. felt like a sign is because I wanted it to be one.
LUKE: Yeah, obviously. Why do you want to get married so bad? Because this is the problem is that you really want to get married. You think when you get married, it's going to solve all the problems, and you're going to have this wonderful fantasy life like you have in your head. And, I mean, how's that going for you? Whatever it is that you're planning out or that you're seeing happen in the future for you, that's not what's going to happen. What's going to happen is you're going to get married. Nothing's really going to change. Everything's going to be exactly the same. and then you're going to feel lost because that goalpost has gone by and nothing changed. And that's what you are waiting for to fix however it is that you feel about yourself or what I don't understand why people want to get married so badly like you do. Maybe you can explain that to me. What is it about marriage that has got you looking at the timelines so intently?
MAVIS: Well, shoot, you really hit the nail on the head there. this feeling of security, you know? I see my friends getting married and starting families, and I can't help but feel like I'm falling behind.
LUKE: Well, you don't have to get married to start a family. I don't know if you have any religious beliefs, but biologically, it's not really important. If you want to have a family, you can have a family, but he might not want to have a family. It might not be time for him. And if that's something that's important for you, then maybe you need to find somebody that's sharing, your dreams and goals.
MAVIS: You're right, and that's the conversation I've been avoiding, because if I ask him straight out whether he wants kids and he says no or not for a long time, then I have to make a real decision. And I think I've been focusing on the ring and the wedding, because those feel like smaller steps I can control, when really the question is whether we want the same life at all. God, that's terrifying to say out loud.
LUKE: Yeah, but that's the conversation you need to be having before you make those sorts of lifelong decision. Because you, I mean, you're watching all your friends get married and have families, but you don't know what their lives are like. You don't know what their marriages are like or how happy they are. You know what they show you and you know what they post on Instagram, but that's not real life. And maybe a third of them will stick together and see it through. And, you know, there will be happy newlywed couples and one of them will die. That's going to happen. And then where is that security? Right? But most of all, I probably, I don't know, two-thirds of these people are going to be miserable for years because somebody wanted to get married and forced it and somebody else acquiesced, and they don't want to be together.
MAVIS: That's dark, Luke, but I needed to hear it. I've been treating marriage like it's this finish line that'll make everything makes sense, when really it's just the start of a whole different set of problems if you're doing it for the wrong reasons. And I think deep down, I know, my boyfriend isn't dragging his feet to be mean or because he doesn't love me.
LUKE: No, he's probably not. He's dragging his feet because he doesn't want to get married. And that's okay. And if you really need to get married, it sounds like it doesn't even matter to you if it's married to him. You just want to be married because that's what you do, right? You've got to be married or you're not living life right. And it's bullshit. And you don't do that. Or actually, it's him that's going to get fucked in the end. When you decide you're unhappy. because you're married now and you've got everything you said you wanted, but he's not the person you actually wanted. Then you're going to feel sad and you're going to get depressed and you're going to fight and then you're going to break up and then you're going to take all of his money.
MAVIS: Okay, hold on, Luke. I'm not some gold digger looking to trap anybody. I work 60 hours a week at this laundromat and I pay half the rent. I love him. I do.
LUKE: Yeah, well, you're not a gold digger now and you're supporting yourself now, but what happens when you've got to? the family. And then you're not working 60 hours because you're taking care of a kid. And then slowly you're learning that you actually don't even really like this guy. You just wanted to get married. And he was the first one that seemed okay and able to support you and give you the security you're looking for. And you're going to start to resent him. And he's going to start to resent you because you forced him to get married when he didn't want to. And in the end, you're going to be like, oh, you know what? I deserve that money because I didn't work for all this time because I had to support this family that you pushed for, that you just had to have so badly.
MAVIS: You know what, Luke, you're being pretty harsh right now, but I called in at two in the morning because something in my gut was telling me, this didn't feel right, and maybe that's what I needed to hear, because you're right that I've been so focused on what I think I'm supposed to want, that I haven't really asked myself if this is actually what I want with this actual person. But I do think you're wrong about one thing. out how to take his money and some future divorce. That's not who I am.
LUKE: No, I'm not saying that's who you are now, or that's who you're planning to be. I'm saying 10 years down the line, after years and years of resentment and not working, you're going to feel differently. And you're going to be upset, and you're going to feel like you got shafted, or somehow you were on the wrong end of this deal, and you're going to go after him, because that's what happens. Like every time.
MAVIS: Look, I hear what you're saying about resentment building up, and maybe you've seen that happen a hundred times on this show, but I think the real warning you're giving me is don't marry someone who doesn't want to marry you. Don't push someone into a life they're not ready for, because that's where all that misery comes from, right? So not from marriage itself, but from forcing it when it's not right. And I think that's what this $500 showing up out of nowhere was trying to tell me.
LUKE: No, that's what you want me to be saying, but what I am saying, but what I am saying, saying, yes, what you just said is completely true. You don't want to marry somebody that doesn't want to marry you. What I am saying to you is that you want to get married just to get married. And you could care less who the person is. And that is a recipe for disaster. Because no matter, I mean, if your boyfriend's like, you know what, I actually don't want to get married.
LUKE: And then you go find somebody else that does, you're going to be like, great, we align. We want to get married. But you're not, you don't care who he is. There's no trait. You're looking to. before they, can he support a family? That's it. You're not into his sense of humor or the way he looks at you a certain way or whatever it is. It could be anybody. That person could be interchangeable and that is the wrong reason to get married. And I think no matter who you get married, if that's your goal, it's going to end the same way.
MAVIS: Oh gosh, Luke, that actually just hit me in the chest. Because when I think about why I love my boyfriend, I can tell you specific things. Like how he always warms up my car in the winter before I leave for work, or how at his own jokes before he even finishes telling them, or how he calls his mom every Sunday. But when I think about why I want to get married...
LUKE: You have no idea. You want to get married because everybody else is getting married, and because that's what you've been fucking socially programmed to need. That's the only reason you want to get married.
MAVIS: You're right. I don't have a good answer for that. I want to get married because I'm 32, and my sister got married at 24, and my mom keeps asking when it's my turn. Every time I scroll through Facebook, it's another engagement photo. I want to get married because I feel like I'm supposed to. And that's exactly what you're saying, isn't it? That I'm chasing this thing that society told me I need. And I'm willing to use whoever's standing next to me to get there.
LUKE: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. There's only one reason to get married. And that's because you've been with somebody long enough. You know them well enough. You enjoy getting along with it. And you can actually see yourself for the long term, with that person, enjoying life together. And you realize that there's going to be hard times, and there's going to be good times, and you want to share the entirety of your life with that person through the good times and the bad times. That's why you want to get married. But that's not why people do get married.
MAVIS: Well, shoot. Luke, I called in here thinking I was asking whether I should spend this mystery money on a ring or the electric bill. And what you're really telling me is I shouldn't be spending it on either one. because I'm trying to buy my way into something I don't even actually want for the right reasons. That woman who handed me that envelope at the flying J, maybe she saw something in my face that I couldn't see myself. Maybe she saw someone who was lost and needed a way out, not a way forward into the wrong thing.
LUKE: I don't think any of this has anything to do with the woman that gave you the money. It's not a sign from anywhere. She gave you the money and that doesn't have anything to do with this conversation. What I think you should do with that money, uh, if we must, continue to talk about it is take it and give it to somebody else that looks like they need it. Right? Maybe that's the test. But obviously, if you're behind on your bills and you really do need it, then you should use it to pay your bills so that, you know, you can live relatively comfortably and okay with your power on for the next several months or however long it lasts you.
MAVIS: You know what? That's actually really practical advice and I appreciate that. I do need to pay the electric bill. But I think what I'm hearing underneath all of this is that I need to have a real conversation with my boyfriend, not about when we're getting engaged, but about whether we actually want the same life together. Whether I even want the life I think I want, because right now I'm sitting in the back of a laundromat at two in the morning counting quarters, and I don't even know if I'd be happy as someone's wife who doesn't work.
LUKE: There you go. That's the right answer, and that's what you should do, and just, you know, don't worry about getting married so much. It's not that important. If you're with somebody that you love, and you want to be with, that can be enough. If you want to have a kid, that's a different thing. Marriage doesn't actually have anything to do with the process of having a kid. So if that's something that you and your boyfriend want to talk through and work out, great. And if not, sleep on it for a while, because it's a big decision. But marriage, I think your motivation for it is coming from the wrong place. I think it's going to end poorly. And I don't think you should, worry about that right now.
MAVIS: You're absolutely right, Luke. I appreciate you being so direct with me about this. I think I needed someone to just say it plain like that instead of letting me keep spinning around in circles about signs from the universe and what this money means. I'm going to pay my electric bill. I'm going to have an honest conversation with my boyfriend about what we both actually want, and I'm going to stop measuring my life against everyone else's Facebook timeline.
LUKE: All right, good for you. And maybe you should take up teaching typing, Mavis. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a new sponsor that's very special to me, because I had a little bit of a tummy upset last night. I'd like you to give a warm welcome to our new sponsor. Born in a secret laboratory, somewhere between New Jersey and the Italian Riviera, Pesto Bismal was accidentally invented when renowned scientist, Professor Luigi, the basil brain Spaghettiini, dropped a jar of Pesto into a barrel of activated charcoal during a thunderstorm. Lightning struck. The beakers rattled. The lab assistant fled, and when the smoke cleared, Professor Spaghettiini gazed upon the swirl emerald paste and reportedly said words that would shake the world of digestive science to its very core. Mama Mia, I fix it the tummy. And with that completely unverified scientific breakthrough, Pesto Bismol was born. For too long, stomach remedies have been timid. Pink liquids. chalky tablets. Medicines that whisper politely to your digestive system. But Pesto Bismol? Pesto Bismol arrives with garlic. Yes, Pesto Bismol blends the bold, aromatic power of basil, garlic, olive oil, and Parmesan with the mysterious absorbing capabilities of activated charcoal, the same stuff used in water filters, art class, and occasionally by people who do grilling. The result is a rich green medicinal paste that coats your stomach with the comforting sensation of what can only be described as aggressive Italian encouragement. Upset stomach? Acid reflux? Take a spoonful of Pesto Bismol and let the herbal magic go to work. Pesto Bismol. When your stomach says help, say, mamma mia. Pesto bismol has not been evaluated by the FDA, the USDA, the Italian government, or anybody's grandmother. Side effects may include green teeth and serious confidence in attracting neighborhood pigeons who believe you might be a breadstick. Okay, and we are back thanks to Pesto Bismol. They've been really helpful overnight here. The household. All right. Next up, we've got Earl. Earl. Earl, welcome to the show. How can we help you today, sir?
EARL: Thanks for taking the call, Luke. So I'm sitting in the break room at the bank where I work, two in the morning, holding this Father's Day card my daughter made me when she was seven. Construction paper, glitter glue, says, world's best dad. I found it in the trash compactor about an hour ago because my boss made me throw out all personal stuff yesterday. Thing is, I've spent 14 years keeping a secret from this kid about who her real father is, biologically speaking, and I just realized while I'm sitting here that I already am her real father.
LUKE: All right. Well, there's a couple things there. Isn't a trash compactor, like, in the sink? Isn't that the thing that, like a garbage disposal? Or is the trash compactor a different thing?
EARL: Different thing. It's a room in the back of the building where all the trash from the offices goes.
EARL: I'm sitting here at two in the morning holding this thing, and I realized I've spent 14 years worrying about whether I'm her real father when the answer's been sitting in my desk drawer the whole time.
LUKE: What do you mean you're worrying about if you're her real father? You know that you're her real father already, right? I don't understand. Why are you calling me?
EARL: so focused on the biology part, on the secret, on whether it counts if she doesn't know the truth, that I forgot I already am her dad. She made me that envelope 14 years ago. She's called me dad since she was four, and I'm still acting like I need permission or proof or something. Finding it in the trash tonight, I don't know.
LUKE: Well, I don't know either, sir, but it sounds like you love your daughter and she loves you ever after. I'm not sure why you felt the need to call a radio show with that, but I hope everything works out for everyone. Next up, we've got Nikki. Nikki, welcome to the show. How can we help you today?
NIKKI: Hey, Luke. Yeah. Hi. Okay, so I'm calling from work. I'm a nurse. I work nights at a dialysis center over in Deming. And I just, I cannot stop thinking about this and I need to talk to somebody about it because it's so bizarre. So I live in this little duplex, right? And my neighbor, Carol, lives on the other side. side of the wall. Carol is like the most buttoned-up person you have ever met in your life. She wears cardigans with little embroidered flowers on them.
LUKE: She sounds like a Carol. That sounds like a very Carol-like thing to do. Tell us about what's going on.
NIKKI: Okay. So Carol is one of those people who, like, she returns my mail to me with post-it notes on it if it accidentally gets put in her box. The notes say things like, please remind your postal carrier of proper mailbox protocols. That's the kind of person we're talking about here. She drives a beige camry. She has a bird feeder, very quiet, very proper. So the other night, I'm on Amazon trying to buy new compression socks because my feet are killing me from these doubles, and I'm scrolling through my recommendations, and suddenly it's just full of these romance novels.
LUKE: Okay, and why is that interesting?
NIKKI: Because they're all written by someone called Scarlet Spurs, and they all have these titles like Roaked and ruined. and the rancher's rough hands. And the covers are just, I mean, cowboys without shirts. Very explicit situations. And I'm thinking, why is Amazon showing me this? I don't read this stuff.
LUKE: Sure, pal. I think we know why Amazon's showing. Is this dirty Carol in your duplex? She lives a double life as a smut writer?
NIKKI: Yes, exactly. So I click on one of them just out of curiosity, right? And I start reading the sample pages. And Luke, I swear to you, all these weird little ticks that are exactly how Carol talks. Like, the author is obsessed with describing turquoise jewelry in this really specific way. The turquoise caught the light like a piece of captured sky, and Carol wears turquoise every single day and she's always saying stuff like that about it. And there's this thing where the characters are always making observations about proper etiquette in the middle of these incredibly graphic scenes.
LUKE: Okay, this all sounds largely circumstantial. Is there anything more there that makes you think that this is actually... Is her name anywhere to be seen? There's a lot of people that like turquoise.
NIKKI: No, no, her name isn't anywhere. But, okay, so I'm reading this one scene where the cowboy is demonstrating his expertise with a lasso, and the author describes it as the rope biting into his calloused hands, the way his muscles coiled like a spring beneath his sun-bronced skin. And I'm thinking, that's weirdly specific, right? But then I remember Carolsian. Carol came over last month to borrow my ladder because she said she needed to clean her gutters.
NIKKI: And she was wearing these gardening gloves, and she kept talking about how the rope was digging into her hands while she was trying to reach up there. And she said it exactly like that, the rope biting into my hands. Same phrasing. Same weirdly formal way of putting it. I don't know. It sounds like you're trying to make an association here, because this is, anybody could have written this. And who cares if she wrote it? Do you ever hear anything weird coming from that other side? of the duplex?
LUKE: No, that's the thing. It's dead silent over there. Like I work nights, so I'm home during the day sometimes, and I never hear anything. No music, no TV, just her typing.
NIKKI: Yeah, that's because all of our companions are strapped up with ballgags. I don't see why this is bothering. I don't think that you can say from just those things that this is Carol next door writing these books. And even if it is, who cares? People need a second job. Maybe that's how she off steam. It's always the most buttoned-up people that are the most kinky.
NIKKI: Okay, but here's the thing that really sealed it for me. I went back and looked at all the books by Scarlett Spurs, and every single one of them is set in southern New Mexico. Like, one of them takes place at a ranch outside of Deming. Another one has a scene at the Rockhound State Park.
LUKE: Okay, well, none of this is enough to pin it on Carol. And why are you trying to, and why do you care? I mean, if you enjoy the books, read the books.
NIKKI: I don't enjoy the books. I mean, okay, I read three of them, but that's just because I was trying to confirm it was her. And now I can't look at her the same way. Like, yesterday, she knocked on my door to tell me that I'd left my recycling bin out past the pickup time, and she's standing there in her little cardigan with her turquoise necklace, giving me this lecture about neighborhood standards. And all I can think about is the scene I read the night before, where the protagonist is tied up in a barn, and I mean, I can't even make eye contact with her anymore, Luke. She brought me a casserole last week because she heard I was working doubles, and I just stood there thinking about Chapter 7 of branded by the foreman.
LUKE: Well, it sounds like maybe you're the one with the dark fantasies and desires here, because you're getting awful deep into these Scarlet Spurs books. But what I say is, who cares if she's tied up in a barn getting her needs met? That's her business. It has nothing to do with you. And if you're getting off reading it, then great. Everybody wins. That's what we call a win-win.
NIKKI: I am not getting off on it. I'm just, Luke, you don't understand. This woman left me a passive-aggressive-aggressive note last month because my wind chimes were creating unnecessary noise pollution. Wind chimes.
LUKE: Yeah, there are some wind chimes that are legitimately fucking obnoxious. So if Carol likes her dark-beating, ESM alter ego, good for her. It's still none of your business, whether she likes turquoise or wants you to pick up your recycle bin on time. Like, none of that is relevant to this conversation.
NIKKI: Okay, fine. Maybe it's not my business. But now I have to decide. Do I say something to her? Because part of me wants to just let her know that I know, so we can both stop pretending. Like, maybe she'd relax a little if she knew someone wasn't judging her for it.
LUKE: Well, you don't know, you think, you suspect, and you are judging her for it.
NIKKI: I'm not judging her. I'm just, okay, maybe I am a little bit, but not for writing the books. It's more like, how do you spend your whole life policing everyone else's behavior when you're writing about cowboys doing things with rope that have nothing to do with cattle? Like, the hypocrisy is what gets me. She reported Mrs. Vasquez's two houses down for painting her mailbox the wrong shade of beige, Luke.
LUKE: That's not, uh, that is not hypocrisy. Anybody can write what they want on their own time. That doesn't mean that she can't, uh, be critical of other people in enforcing the rules. I don't see how those things are related. Uh, her alter ego, Scarlet, Spurs, if that's, if that's her real name, uh, is, is,! is her fictional way of releasing Steam. And everybody's entitled that. It's not your business. If you like the books, buy the books and support who you. you think might be your neighbor. But, uh, otherwise, you're absolutely judging her. And I don't see how you can, uh, not see it that way.
NIKKI: You're right. You're completely right. I am judging her. And that's not fair. I think what's really bothering me is that I've spent two years tiptoeing around this woman, being so careful not to upset her, moving my trash cans to the exact right spot, keeping my music down. And now I find out she's got this whole secret life. And I'm wondering why I've been giving her so much power over me. Like, why do I care so much what Carol thinks about my wind chimes when Carol is out here writing about? Never mind. The point is, maybe this says more about me than it does about her.
LUKE: It absolutely does. Who cares what Carol's writing about in her free time? She's free to write about whatever she wants. She's not breaking any rules. She's not bothering anybody with her books. She's releasing them on Amazon, allegedly. And she's able to do that. And that's a. creative outlet, it's fine for her. And if that's what gets her off, great. And you don't even know that she's into that. She might just be writing that stuff because that's what sells. Because it does.
NIKKI: That's true. I mean, she's got like 47 reviews on the last one, and they're mostly five stars. So clearly somebody's buying them. And you know what? Maybe I'm just jealous. I've been talking about writing something for years. I keep saying I'm going to write about what it's really like working in healthcare. All this stuff nobody talks about, and I never do it.
LUKE: Yeah, that sounds like a real bestseller. Uh, hey, you ever let anybody tie you up?
NIKKI: What? No. Luke, what does that have to okay once? But it was awkward and we both just kind of laughed and gave up. Why are you asking me that?
LUKE: Well, because it's interesting, and because you bought three of these books, and you're pretending to be appalled by the subject matter, but obviously you read them all, so it must have... sparked some interest in you. And I'm just trying to get to the bottom of who it is I'm talking to. You know, do you like to be bound up a little bit?
NIKKI: I, okay, this is not where I thought this conversation was going. I bought them because I was curious what Carol was writing. Not because, I mean, they're not badly written. I'll give her that. She's got a way with description that's very detailed.
LUKE: Okay, well, what went wrong when you were tied up in that experience of yours? You say you just felt awkward. laughed it off. Why was it awkward? Was he not good at tying? Were you able to get out too easily? What kind of rope did you use? Give us some details.
NIKKI: Oh my God, Luke. This is so embarrassing. It wasn't even rope. It was a bathrobe belt, which should tell you how prepared we were for this. And yeah, I could just slip right out of it. And he kept trying to make it tighter, but then it would come undone. And at one point, he accidentally elbowed me in the face trying to reach around. And we just both started laughing we had to stop. This was like six years ago with my ex-boyfriend Derek, who was very enthusiastic about trying new things, but not great at the execution part. He once tried to cook me a romantic dinner and set off the smoke alarm three times.
LUKE: Well, what if, uh, what if your friend's Scarlet Spurs there could introduce you to somebody that knew how to tie a knot?
NIKKI: Oh, I don't know about that. I think I'd rather just stick to my wind chimes and my quiet life. Besides, I don't need Carol or Scarlett or whatever. setting me up with some cowboy who's going to show up at my door with a lasso and a six-shooter.
NIKKI: I've got enough on my plate with work and my mom calling me every other day to ask why I'm not married yet. But honestly, the real kicker is that I like Carol.
LUKE: Yeah, Carol sounds like a delightful individual. And thank you for the call. It's been great talking to you. And I think maybe you should lighten up a little bit about Scarlet Spurs or at least enjoy. You don't have to pretend to us at home that, uh, that you're just reading this for research on your neighbor. It's okay for you to like the bondage. A lot of people do.
NIKKI: Okay, okay. I hear you. Maybe I'll give book five a try without all the judgment. Thanks for listening, Luke. Even if you did just psychoanalyze my sex life on the radio at 3 in the morning. Take care.
LUKE: I didn't psycho analyze anything. Nikki, you're the psycho here. You're the one that's fucking trying to pin, uh, smut books on your, on your neighbor Carol. I didn't do any of that. Okay. Uh, let's see. Let's see. Who's next? Who's next? Ah, here we got Chip. Chip. Chip, welcome to the show. What's going on, buddy?
CHIP: Luke, okay, so picture this. I'm standing in my kitchen at two in the morning. Right? And Teresa just got home from her shift. And I'm holding this printout of an email. And I just told her everything. The lawyer, the birth mother, the photo, all of it just laid it out there. And you know what she said? She said she already knew.
LUKE: Oh, are you the guy who's, uh, who's adopted daughter was stolen from Africa?
CHIP: Guatemala, Luke. Guatemala. Yeah, that's me. But listen, that's not even the crazy part. Teresa said she's known for three weeks. Three weeks.
LUKE: Yeah, you've known for a while, too, and you were, you never had the right time to tell her. So what's the problem here? You both need to communicate more, is what I say.
CHIP: No, no, no. No, no. hearing me, I found out five days ago. Five days. Teresa's known for three weeks.
LUKE: Yes, yes, yes. I am hearing you. I'm hearing exactly what you're saying. It's not interesting. I don't care how long she's known. What happened next?
CHIP: She got the same email two weeks before I did from the same lawyer. And she didn't tell me. She's been sitting on it this whole time, watching me stress about whether to tell her. And she already knew.
LUKE: Well, get over it, buddy. It's not that big of a deal. What are you guys? I mean, who cares? You're, what are you going to do next? What's your next step here? Are you going to set up visitation with the birth mother? Are you going to talk to your lawyers? What's the plan forward? This isn't a story about how you're not talking to each other about what emails you're getting. Come on.
CHIP: Okay, okay, you're right. So Teresa wants to meet her, the birth mother. She wants to fly down there next month with our daughter and just do it. No lawyers, no verification. Just go.
LUKE: And how do you feel about that? What do you think? What would you like to happen here?
CHIP: I think it's insane, Luke. We don't even know if this woman is real. We don't know if the photo's legit. We haven't verified anything with our adoption agency. And Teresa wants to just put our eight-year-old on a plane to Guatemala to meet some stranger who says she's her birth mother, based on an email?
LUKE: Well, the last time you called her and you said it was more than an email and that your lawyers had confirmed that the image was real, and that that was verified and authenticated. So, uh, I, what's the problem here?
CHIP: No, I said I was going to get a lawyer to verify it. I haven't done that yet. That's what I've been trying to tell Teresa. We need to slow down. Get someone to actually check this out before we do anything. But she's acting like I'm the one being unreasonable.
LUKE: No, that's not what you said at all. You said that the photo was verified. I can go back to the tape if you'd like me to, but why are you lying to us? Why are you lying to the studio at home? What are you afraid of, sir?
CHIP: I'm not lying, Luke. I swear. I said the photo looks real, that the smile was exact. But I never got it verified. I've been too paralyzed to even call a lawyer. That's the whole problem.
LUKE: No, no, it's not the whole problem. The problem now, is that you're lying to me. Either the last time you called in, you lied, or you're lying now. Either way, you're not telling the truth, and I want to know why.
CHIP: Okay, so picture this. I'm sitting in the laundromat at midnight five days ago. I just got this email. I'm freaking out. Maybe I said things wrong. Maybe I made it sound more certain than it was because I was trying to convince myself it was real. Or maybe I was trying to convince myself it wasn't. I don't know, Luke. I've been spinning out about this for two weeks.
LUKE: Well, this is a very important detail, and it's important to how the remainder of this conversation and your life goes. Okay, so you told me the last time you called in that you verified that photo, and you were absolutely sure that the birth mother was real. And now you're saying you don't even know who she is, or if that photo is real, and your girlfriend's going to take your daughter away. So there's two very different stories here, and we need to know which one is the truth.
CHIP: The truth is, I don't know if it's real. I haven't verified anything. I looked at that photo for hours, Luke, and that smile is identical to my daughters. The crooked tooth, the dimple on the left side, everything. So in my head, it felt verified. It felt true. But I never actually called anyone.
LUKE: Okay, well, that's not what you told me before, all right? So if this is the case, if this is the truth, and you're not absolutely sure that this woman is real and that photo is verified, then I would say you can't let them go to Guatemala. insane. Okay, that could be anybody. That could be a kidnapping attempt for all you know. It's, uh, it's very fishy. It's very, very fishy.
CHIP: That's exactly what I told, Teresa. But she's saying, I'm just scared that I'm looking for excuses to avoid the truth because I don't want to deal with it. She thinks I'm being a coward. And maybe she's right, Luke. Maybe I am scared. Because if this woman is real, if she really is the birth mother, then everything about our family changes.
LUKE: Not really, no, it doesn't really change. But what would change is if she flies out to Guatemala with your kid to a place where you strongly suspect and even know that they steal children and your child gets stolen, then your family is going to change. So my advice for you is to talk to Teresa and tell her absolutely not. And if the birth mother wants to meet her daughter or, meet you first would be my recommendation. She can fly to America where you're somewhat protected.
CHIP: You're right. You're absolutely right. But Teresa's already looking at flights, Luke.
LUKE: Well, you have to do what you have to do. If Teresa's looking at leaving the country with your daughter and you don't approve, then go to the police and put a restraining order if you have to. You can't let that happen.
CHIP: A restraining order against Teresa? Luke. She's not some criminal. She's my girlfriend. We've been together for years. She's just trying to do what she thinks is right for our daughter. If I go to the police, that's it.
LUKE: Yeah, okay. Well, you don't go to the police, and Teresa flies out to Guatemala with your daughter, and then a gang of teenagers steals them both with AK-47s that barely work and forces them to cut each other's heads off. How's that sound? Go to the police, fire restraining order. I don't care if she's your girlfriend, what she's doing. If you don't agree, if you're not on the same page with her, she's kidnapping your daughter. That's what's happening. And you can't let that happen.
CHIP: Okay, okay, okay, big surprise there that I'm the bad guy again. But Luke, you're saying file a restraining order like it's nothing. That's nuclear. That's scorched earth.
LUKE: No, taking your daughter on a flight to Guatemala to see.
WOODY: Hey, Luke. Yeah, so I just got out of this open mic at Denny's over in Deming, and I am sitting in the parking lot right now because I cannot go home yet. I bombed so bad, Luke. Like, five people in the crowd, three of them are related to the bartender, and I spent my entire set, trying to work out this bit about my house being in a flood zone and nobody laughed. Not one laugh. Complete silence except for somebody's phone going off during what I thought was going to be the big punchline.
LUKE: Yeah, well that's not surprising. We live in the desert, sir. There's no flood zone.
WOODY: No, no, no. See, that's the thing. That's what makes it absurd, right? Like, we're in the desert. We get eight inches of rain a year and somehow my house is in a FEMA flood zone. They remapped it last year. My insurance went up $400 a month. $400, Luke.
LUKE: All right, so tell us the joke. What was the joke?
WOODY: Okay, so I set it up like this. Picture this. I'm standing there, right? Wearing my good shirt. The one with the little cactus on it that Teresa says makes me look like a tourist. But I like it. And I go. So my house is in a flood zone, which is wild because we're in the desert. Like the only water we get is when the AC drips on my head at night. But Fianlis says, nope, you're in a flood zone. So I'm like, how? The last time it rained here, my neighbor's dog got so excited. He tried to drink the puddle and knocked himself out. And then I paused for the laugh. Nothing.
LUKE: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Maybe it's time for you to work on some new material.
WOODY: Yeah, but see, I keep trying to pivot to the punchline, which is that my house is now worth less than the James Webb Space Telescope images I have framed in my hallway. Like, $40 total at Costco, these gorgeous nebula prints, and my house has lost more value than that costs. But Teresa, my girlfriend, she told me tonight before I left, she said if I bring up the space telescope one more time, instead of actually making a decision about whether we're selling the house. And I think she meant it this time, Louv, because she had her overnight bag already packed and sitting by the door when I left for the show.
LUKE: Okay. Well, I mean, with jokes like that, you can't really expect a woman to stick around for very long.
WOODY: Okay, that's fair, that's fair. But here's the thing. I've got the insurance adjuster's number pulled up on my phone right now. I've got the realtors number. I've got a Google search for cheapest places to live near Tucson Open in three different tabs. And I keep refreshing the James Webb feed like it's going to tell me what to do, you know? Like maybe there's going to be some galaxy out there that looks like an arrow pointing to the right decision.
LUKE: Yeah, there's not. I don't know how the James Webb Space Telescope is related to your comedy career or selling your house. And this is a very confusing call.
WOODY: No, no, no. Let me explain. The telescope thing, it's not about the telescope itself. It's about the fact that I spent 40 bucks on these images of the universe, right? Beautiful pictures of stars and gas clouds and stuff billions of light years away. And now my house, the place where I hung those pictures, is worth less than when I bought it because some bureaucrat drew a line on a map and said flood zone. Like, the universe is expanding, Luke, but my property value is contracting. That's the bit.
LUKE: Maybe you should take up poetry or something.
WOODY: Yeah, Teresa said the same thing, actually. She said, Woody, you're not a comedian. You're just a guy who won't shut up about problems he won't solve. Which, ouch, but also maybe accurate. Because here's what I'm really calling about, Luke. I'm sitting in this Denny's parking lot at three in the morning, and I've got all these tabs open, and I know I need to make a decision. Do we sell and take the loss? Do we stay and keep paying the insane insurance?
LUKE: Well, there's a couple things that you can do here. Look, do the math. Does the insurance add up to the same amount as the loss? Which one would be cheaper for you to do? And also, do you like living where you live? Do you like your house regardless of whether or not the insurance is high? If so, maybe it's worth the premium to you. Do you want to live in Tucson? Or do you want to live somewhere else entirely? This could be either a fresh start or just an annoyance.
WOODY: Okay. So the math part, I actually did that. The insurance went up 2200 a year. If we sell now, we lose about 18,000 in equity because the market tanked when they rezoned us. So if we stay five years, we break even on the insurance cost, but that's assuming the premiums don't go up again, which they probably will. And do I like the house?
LUKE: Do you like the house? What do you think's going to happen to the market in five years? And if it's that easy to rezone a property that you own, then it very well could be changed again. you can petition to have it changed if you can cite some evidence that there's no flooding there.
WOODY: See, that's what I keep telling Teresa. I'm like, we can fight this. We can get a hydrologist to come out, show them the drainage patterns, prove that the wash is a quarter mile away and hasn't flooded since 1983. But she's done with it, Luke. She's like, I don't want to spend the next two years fighting the county while you workshop material about it at open mics. And do I like the house? I mean, yeah, it's got this big living room where you can see the mountains. And that's where I hung the telescope pictures because the view kind of matches, you know?
LUKE: Well, she sounds like a smart woman. You should hang on to her. But honestly, you're going to have to have that conversation with Teresa and figure out if she wants to live. It sounds like she doesn't want to live there anymore. So this could be a new opportunity to get a better place that suits you better. And, you know, you can have new open mics to bomb at where the people aren't going to already be cringing when you get up to the stage. You know, you get a second So I think sell the house and see what's next in your adventure.
WOODY: Wait, hold on. They're not cringing when I get up. Well, okay. Maybe the bartender is, but that's because I did 20 minutes on the flood zone three weeks in a row. But you're right about Teresa. She doesn't want to live there anymore.
LUKE: Yeah, so she doesn't want to live there and you got to decide if you want to be with her and what you want your life to look like. But it sounds like a good opportunity for a change. And if you told them the joke that you should, you tell them the joke that you just told us, then yeah, they do cringe when you get up there. They might just be polite about it.
WOODY: All right, all right. Fair enough. The universe is expanding, but my property value is contracting. I thought that one had legs. But yeah, I hear you.
LUKE: All right. Well, thanks for the call. I hope it all works out for you. And fingers crossed for no rain, all right? Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of our show tonight. I hope you had a wonderful evening. And we're going to talk to you again tomorrow, okay? Bye-bye. I don't know.