LUKE: Welcome back to Look at the Roost. It is Saturday, February 14th, and today is a very special show. It's Valentine's Day. So thank you for tuning in and listening to us on your special day here. We're going to try something a little bit different. I'm going to read a dating profile, and I'm going to have the callers, let me know if this is a profile that they would select or not select. Would you go on a date with this person? Or not? First up, we have Reggie. Reggie, I'm going to read you a dating profile, and I want you to tell me if you would go on a date with this person or not.

REGGIE: Oh man, alright Luke, yeah, let's hear it. I got to warn you though, I haven't been in the dating game in God over 15 years. My wife and I got together when I was still in my 20s, so I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for anymore. But yeah, go ahead.

LUKE: Alright, well let's pretend that you are not married right now. You are looking through Tinder at dating profiles, and this is the one that maybe caught your eye. This is the one that you've landed on right now, it's crystal. She's 28 years old from Albuquerque. In her photo, she's standing behind the bar, mid-bore. It looks like she did not expect this picture to be taken. She's a little bit caught off guard, but she's pretty attractive. Her hair is up, she's going to tattoo on her forearm, some kind of script that I can't read, and there's a guy behind her at the bar waving for her attention, and she's not giving it to him. Her bio says, I work somewhere I'm not naming, I'm in school for synography, I go to bed at 3 and wake up at 6.45 and I have no personality left. Derek, if you see this, you owe me $11 for the hot pockets and the orange juice. You know what you did. Okay, so are you going to swipe right or left on crystal?

REGGIE: Oh man, I like her already, no seriously, I'm swiping right on crystal. Look, first of all, she's real, that profile is the most honest thing I've probably heard all night.

LUKE: Alright, and we have a match, what is it about crystal that you liked?

REGGIE: You know what it is, she's not trying to sell me something, like, I don't know what the hell synography is, ultra sounds or something?

LUKE: Yeah, I think so.

REGGIE: She's honest about being tired, she's got some beef with Derek over $11, which is hilarious, she's working her ass off, going to school, barely sleeping.

LUKE: Okay, so you swipe right on crystal, right is good, right, I don't even know how these things work. You swipe right on crystal, you're going to go on a date, where do you take her? What do you hope your evening looks like?

REGGIE: Okay, so here's the thing, she gets off work at 3 in the morning, right? So, I'm thinking, I take her to breakfast.

LUKE: Okay, you take her to breakfast at the diner that's open at 3 in the morning and she looks at you, like she wants you to order for her, what are you going to order for her?

REGGIE: Oh god, alright, um, okay, I'm getting her coffee first, that's obvious, she's running on fumes, then I'm ordering her the biggest, greasiest breakfast they got, like two eggs over easy, hash browns with cheese, bacon, toast. The whole deal, maybe Pancakes on the side if she wants them.

LUKE: Alright, well she loves the breakfast, and after breakfast she invites you back up to her room, what are you going to do when you get there?

REGGIE: Oh man, Luke, come on, look, I'm 38 years old, I've been out of the game forever, and honestly, if Crystal invites me back to her place after breakfast at 4 in the morning, I'm probably going to be so nervous, I'll just, I don't know, sit on her couch and keep talking to her. I mean, yeah, obviously part of me is thinking other things, but real talk? She's been up all night working, she just ate a huge breakfast, she's exhausted.

LUKE: Yeah, she is, but also real talk, Crystal hasn't been late in 14 months, and she's really desperate and she needs some energy in her life, so are you going to help her out here, or should she find somebody else?

REGGIE: Okay, okay, you got me there, yeah, I mean, if Crystal's looking for some energy, some connection, something to remind her she's alive and not just a zombie going from work to school to work, then yeah, I'm going to step up, I'm not going to let her down.

LUKE: Alright, and how do you plan to do that? What are you going to do for Crystal that she hasn't had in a while? How are you going to make yourself stand out in the crowd?

REGGIE: Alright, so here's what I'm thinking, Crystal's been grinding nonstop, right? She needs someone who's actually present, like I'm not going to be on my phone, I'm not going to rush anything, I'm going to pay attention to her, and honestly Luke, I've been told I give really good massages.

LUKE: Oh yeah, everybody's been told they've been given, they give really good massages, that's just the thing people say, almost nobody gives good massages.

REGGIE: No, but seriously, I actually learned from this physical therapist at the hospital, like I'm talking real technique here, I know where the knots are, I know how to work shoulders and neck properly, Crystal's been on her feet all night serving drinks to drunk idiots, her back is killing her, her feet are probably screaming, and look, maybe that sounds like I'm dodging the question, but honestly, that's the move, you take care of someone, you make them feel seen, you're not just trying to jump straight to the finish line like some desperate kid.

LUKE: Alright, it sounds like you and Crystal are a match, congratulations sir, and thank you for the call, very good, very good, see that we're making, we're making matches left and right here, who's up next on the line, we've got, Pearl, Pearl, welcome to the show, it's Valentine's Day, happy Valentine's Day, I'm going to read you a dating profile, it is a question of the real dating profile, and I want you to let me know if this is something that you'd go out with or not, okay?

PEARL: Oh man, okay Luke, I'm ready, hit me with it, and hey, happy Valentine's Day, date to you too, I'm spending mine calling a radio show, so you know, living my best life over here, but yeah, read it, let's see what we're working with.

LUKE: Alright, and there's nothing to feel bad about there, I'm spending my Valentine's Day doing a radio show, so we're in the same boat there, Pearl, okay, so here's your profile, it is Frank, Frank's photo, he's standing in a garage, and there's bird houses everywhere, they're on the shelves, they're hanging from the rafters, he's got them stacked up on the workbench, it's like, this is like a bird house picture with a guy in it, his bio says, my neighbor showed me how to make this and then left, I carried mail for 33 years, same route, a lady used to leave a coke on my porch every day for me in the summer, no no, I still think about that, my wife passed in 2020, I make bird houses now, I don't need 40 bird houses, but when my hands are busy, my head is quiet, I also make a decent meatloaf, if that matters to anyone, what do you think of Frank?

PEARL: Oh God, Luke, you can't, you can't do this to me right now, I would swipe right so fast, are you kidding me?

LUKE: Are you gonna have to remind me, Pearl, is, is, right yes or is right no?

PEARL: Right is yes, yes, Luke, right is yes, and I would swipe right on Frank so hard, I'd probably break my phone screen. Look, that man just said more in that profile than most guys say in six months of dating, when my hands are busy, my head is quiet, Jesus.

LUKE: All right, all right, that sounds great, congratulations on your match here, so is it the bird houses that does it for you or is it the quiet longing or is it the 63 years old bit? What is it that gets your engine turning? All right, so if you're gonna go out on a date with Frank here, where would you like him to take you?

PEARL: Oh man, I don't know, honestly, I'd probably just want to go to his garage and help him paint some bird houses or something, is that weird? Like, I don't need fancy, I've done fancy.

LUKE: How long before you let Frank take you up to the bedroom, Pearl?

PEARL: Luke, oh my God, I mean look, Frank seems like a gentleman.

LUKE: Okay, thank you for the call, Pearl. We appreciate it and we'll see if we can get Frank to reach out to you and maybe you two can spark something up. Thanks again for the call. You have a wonderful remainder of your Valentine's Day.

PEARL: Thank you, Luke. And hey, I heard Reggie earlier, the guy who was all nervous about the massage, tell him to just relax and actually listen to what she needs. Don't overthink it. Just be present.

LUKE: You hear you heard it here, Reggie. She says just be present and don't overthink it. Everything's going to be all right. And I believe her. She sounds like an honest soul. Okay, next up on the line we have Destiny. Oh, nope, that's not true. Next up on the line we have Mikey. Mikey, welcome to the show. I'm going to read you Destiny's profile pic, profile dating profile. And you let me know if that's something you'd go on a date with or not, okay?

MIKEY: Oh, man, okay, Luke. Yeah, I can do that. But listen, I got to be honest with you. My head is not really in the dating game right now. I just had the weirdest night of my life about an hour ago. And I'm still kind of processing it. But yeah, hit me with Destiny's profile. I'll tell you what I think.

LUKE: All right. Well, maybe Destiny can help you out with the processing your day's events. Here we go. Destiny is 31 years old. She's from Albuquerque. In her photo, she's in the front seat of what looks like a Nissan Altima. She's wearing scrubs or hairs up in a bun. She's got an ice coffee. And she's kind of just kind of staring towards the camera a little bit. She's not quite looking at it. She's just, she looks a little bit stoned, honestly. The bio says, I work at a chiropractor's office. Single mom, I drive an Altima with a dent from 2022. I am tired on a molecular level. I go to bed at nine. My daughter is six and she does not stop talking. I timed it once 11 minutes. No pauses. Please have your own place. My roommate is my mother and she listens through the wall. She says she doesn't. She is lying. Okay, there, Mikey. Are you going to swipe right or left on Destiny?

MIKEY: Oh, man, you know what? I'm swiping right on Destiny. Absolutely. That tired on a molecular level thing. I felt that in my soul, especially tonight, and the honesty about her mom listening through the wall.

LUKE: If you were at Destiny's place, what would her mom be listening to through the wall right now?

MIKEY: Oh, Jesus, Luke, I don't know, man. I mean, look, I'm 56 years old. I work in IT. I spend my days dealing with the city's network problems. If her mom's listening through the wall, she's probably hearing me talk about the time I accidentally brought down the entire Parks and Rec Departments email server for three hours because I clicked the wrong button. Real talk though. Real talk. She'd probably hear me venting about what happened tonight with my kid.

LUKE: All right, all right, all right, what happened with your kid?

MIKEY: So get this. It's 2 a.m., right? I can't sleep. I go to check on my 17 year old, just to make sure they're home safe, you know? The bedroom door is closed. I figured they're asleep. Something tells me to actually open the door and check.

LUKE: Okay, so you open the door and check and what happens?

MIKEY: Door opens. There's pillows under the blanket. Classic move, right? Like something out of a movie.

LUKE: Yup, that sounds like a 17 year old kid thing to do, and how did you react?

MIKEY: I freaked out, man. I immediately grabbed my phone, tried calling, straight to voicemail. So I'm thinking, okay, where would they go? I know my kid. I know their friends. I got in my truck and I just started driving to the usual spots. And Luke, I found them.

LUKE: All right, great, where did you find them?

MIKEY: Over at this house on the east side, one of their friends' older brother's places. I pull up and there's like six, seven cars in the driveway. Music going lights on. It's a full party, man. And here's the thing that's got me messed up. I look through the window before I go in and there's adults in there.

LUKE: All right, well, that's not good. How adults are we talking? Are we talking Jeffrey Epstein adult? Are we talking, you know, 21 adult?

MIKEY: No, no, no. Thank God, nothing like that. I'm talking like mid-twenties, maybe. One guy looked 30. But still, Luke, these are grown people throwing a party at 2 a.m.

LUKE: Well, that's the thing that grown people are, uh, want to do, especially on Valentine's Day weekend. So it's not that, uh, that odd. What did you do with your kid when you, when you found her there?

MIKEY: I went in there and man, I tried to stay cool. But I was pissed. I found my kid in the kitchen and they looked terrified when they saw me. I just said, we're leaving now. Didn't make a scene. Didn't yell at anybody else. Just got them out of there. The whole drive home dead silence. They're sitting there staring out the window. I'm gripping the steering wheel.

LUKE: All right, so everybody's home and safe now. And uh, crisis is averted. What are you going to do about the situation tomorrow? Are you going to grab the kid or is there some consequence for sneaking out? How are you going to handle it?

MIKEY: That's exactly why I'm calling man. I don't know. Part of me wants to ground them until their 30 take the phone the whole nine yards. But the other part of me is thinking, I was 17 once you know. I snuck out. I went to parties.

LUKE: Yep, so did I. That's part of growing up and I think as long as they were being relatively safe. I think that's a pretty alright thing and you should take it easy. Let them know you're disappointed in the whole lion and sneaking out thing. And next time, be more forthcoming but otherwise, I think you should maybe let this one go.

MIKEY: Yeah, but Luke, here's what's eating at me. It's not just that they snuck out. It's that there were adults there providing alcohol to minors. I saw the bottles. I saw the cups. These weren't kids raiding somebody's parents liquor cabinet. These were grown people who should know better hosting this thing.

LUKE: Yeah, and your kids 17 and you went to parties when you were 17 and I went to parties when I was 17 and it wasn't really a party unless there was adults there with real liquor and alcohol. Was it? Like, come on, 17 is not exactly 12. They're damn near drinking age anyway.

MIKEY: I mean, you're not wrong. Three more years and it's legal anyway. And yeah, the parties I went to at 17. There was always somebody's older cousin or some guy who just turned 20, one buying beer.

LUKE: And I think you just got to talk to your kid. Let them know that safety is important and give some guidance in that way and be there for them. But I don't think this deserves any sort of serious punishment. I think it's a pretty normal kid thing to do.

MIKEY: You know what, Luke, I hear you. I really do.

LUKE: Maybe I'm overreacting because I caught them and it freaked me out, seeing your kid in that situation. Even if it's normal, it just hits different when you're the parent. You know, I think you're right. I need to have a real conversation with them tomorrow. Not yelling, not lecturing, but actually talking. All right, well, thank you for the call. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I'm glad everybody's safe. And now let's hear a word from our sponsors.

Let's talk about what's going on below the belt. Saddle soft premium undergarments are made for fabrics so advanced. The military doesn't even know about it yet. We're talking about micro-modal cactus silk harvested by hand from prickly pear, which is ironic because the whole point is that nothing pricks you. Every pear is cut for the man who sits in a plastic chair in the desert from nine hours recording a podcast. That's a really use case. That's my use case. Saddle soft comes in three fits. Regular, generous, and mind your business. Use code Roost at checkout for 15% off your first pair. And no, I will not be modeling them. I've been asked. The answer is still no. Saddle soft. Your chair is uncomfortable enough.

All right, Bev. Bev, welcome to the show. Here's what we're doing. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm going to read you a dating profile and I want you to let me know if it's a yes or no.

BEV: All right. Oh, man, okay. Yeah, I'm game. Let's do this.

LUKE: All right, let's do this. Your profile is Terence. Terence is 31 years old in Albuquerque, New Mexico. In the photo, he's in a kitchen, in an apron, and it's really, really clean. It's like he's pointing. I skill it at the camera. In the bio, it says claims adjuster by day. At night, I cologne and narrate everything I'm doing in a British accent. There is no show. It's just me and Dolores, the skillet. My chiropractor told me to get a body pillow, and I named her Margarit. She's in some of the photos and I am not apologizing. Is Terence a yay or a nay for you?

BEV: Oh my god, I'm swiping right so hard. Are you kidding me? This is amazing. Okay, first of all, anyone who names their cast iron skillet is automatically husband material. Like, I respect that level of commitment to your cookware. And the British accent thing?

LUKE: Yeah, the British accent thing does it for you?

BEV: Hell yeah, it does. I mean, look, I'm picturing this guy just like narrating his whole evening like he's on the Great British baking show or something. And now we're going to sear the chicken to a lovely golden brown. Like, are you serious? That's adorable and hilarious at the same time.

LUKE: Okay, so if we were to set you up here with Terence, where would you where would you want to go?

BEV: Oh, okay, so here's the thing. I would want him to cook for me. Like, straight up, first date at his place. I know that sounds forward, but come on, the man's got Dolores, the skillet, and that abnormally clean kitchen. I want to see this in action. I want to hear the British accent narration live.

LUKE: All right, so you go over his house for your first date because you're a wonderful meal. It's delicious. You've never eaten anything like it before in your life. And things are going well. What happens next on your date?

BEV: Okay, so things are going well. The food was incredible. And I'm thinking I want to see if this guy's for real, you know? Like, is he actually this charming and weird in person? Or is it all an act?

LUKE: And how are you going to figure that out? What are you going to what's your assessment?

BEV: I'm going to ask to meet Margaret, the body pillow. Like, I need to know if he's actually got this thing prominently displayed or if it was just for the dating profile, you know? Because if Margaret's real and he's not embarrassed about it, then this dude is genuinely comfortable with himself.

LUKE: And that's okay. So you're going to have him cook you dinner and then you're going to have him take you to the bedroom and then what's going to happen?

BEV: Whoa. Okay, hold on, Luke. I said I want to Margaret, not like, I mean, yeah, she's in the bedroom probably. But I'm talking about seeing if he's actually as quirky and honest as he seems. Like, is this body pillow thing real? Or was it just a funny line?

LUKE: Well, it's in the picture. So it looks like it's real. So are you going to like get in the bed and give the body pillow a hug and test its snuggleness?

BEV: Ha. Okay, you know what? Yeah, I might. I might absolutely give Margaret a test hug just to see what the appeal is.

LUKE: All right. And then what is what's Terrence going to cook for you in the morning?

BEV: Oh, man. I didn't even think about breakfast. Okay, so if Terrence is as good as his profile, make some sound. I'm thinking maybe some kind of fancy eggs situation. Like, he seems like the type who do a proper English breakfast. You know, the whole deal with the beans and the tomatoes and the blood sausage and make French toast with that skillet of his narrating the whole thing to Dolores while I'm sitting there with coffee trying not to laugh. But honestly, I'd be happy with anything as long as he's still being himself and not suddenly getting all weird and performative about it being the morning after. You know what I mean?

LUKE: Yeah. Okay. Now, let's say you get to Terrence's house and he makes you dinner and it's not good. You don't like it at all. And he's very offended that you don't like the food that he cooked for you. And things take a strange and unpleasant turn. How are you going to handle the situation?

BEV: Okay. So first of all, I'm going to be honest, but not brutal about it. Right? Like, hey, this isn't really my thing, but I appreciate the effort. But if he gets offended, like actually upset that I'm not worshiping his cooking, that's a red flag the size of New Mexico, Luke.

LUKE: Yes, it is. And that's good. It sounds like a healthy response. Thank you for calling in, Bev. Did you have anything else you wanted to talk about tonight?

BEV: Oh, actually, yeah, I did call in for something else. So this is going to sound random, but I just watched this documentary about black holes and particle physics. And I cannot stop thinking about it. Like, I work at the DMV, right?

LUKE: Right. What's it about black holes or was it about particle physics? And what's that got to do with the DMV?

BEV: Okay. So it was about both. Like how black holes warp space time and all this stuff about particles that exist and don't exist at the same time. And what it's got to do with the DMV is absolutely nothing. That's the point. I spend all day processing registrations and listening to people complain about their license photos. And then I go home and my brain is just hungry for something bigger, you know? Like, I'm sitting there learning about how time literally slows down near a black hole. And I'm thinking about how my days at work feel like they're moving in slow motion anyway. But this stuff actually matters.

LUKE: I guess that depends on your perspective. I mean, one could say that your work at the DMV actually matters more than whether time dilates around a black hole. But, you know, it's okay to be interested in more than one thing. You can do your job. That's your job. It's just work. And then the whole rest of the universe is open for you when you're not at work. And you need both things in your life to be a well-rounded and healthy person.

BEV: Yeah, you're right. I mean, I know people need their licenses and their registrations. That stuff matters for real life. But God, Luke, it's just so mundane sometimes. Like today, Valentine's Day, everyone's coming in stressed about their expire tags or whatever. And I'm sitting there thinking about how there's literally particles popping in and out of existence at the edge of black holes. It's called Hawking Radiation. Isn't that wild? And I guess what I'm realizing is I've been so focused on just getting through my days, my second marriage, making things work after my first one crashed and burned. But I forgot I'm allowed to be curious about things.

LUKE: You are absolutely allowed to be curious about things. And if you're curious about Hawking Radiation, you should listen to yesterday's episode when we talked about it for a good bit. But thank you for the call. It's been a good one. And I hope you have a nice rest of your Valentine's Day weekend.

BEV: Oh, shit. You talked about it yesterday? I missed it. Okay, I'm definitely going back to listen to that.

LUKE: Alright, thanks for the call, Bev. And now we've got next up is Rick. Rick, welcome to the show. I'm going to read you this dating profile. I want you to let me know if you'd go on a date with this person or if you would just pass.

RICK: Hey, Luke, good to be back on. All right, lay it on me. Let's hear this profile.

LUKE: Alright, your match is Angela. She's 29 years old and she lives in Edgwood, Montana. In her photo, it's a picture of her in a white SUV. She's got her seat belt on. She's got Starbucks full makeup. It looks like morning. So she's probably going to work, I would guess. She's got the face of a woman who's about to go live on Instagram. Her vibes are mirror is down. And then she's got some other photos here. You can see there's a the back window there. It's got a little stick figure family. Something in cursive that says blessed. Her bio says Christian conservative girl mom, small business owner, ask me about Lumi glow. It's not a pyramid scheme. There's literally a chart. I will show you the chart. I wake up at 530 because my highlight doesn't do itself. I need a man who braze provides and protects in that order. If you don't have a relationship with God, we need to talk about that first. My daughter is my whole world. I also sell skincare. And it changed my life. So what do you think of Angela, Rick?

RICK: Oh man, Luke, listen, I got to be honest with you. I'm swiping left so fast I might break my phone. Look, nothing against her. She seems like she's got her life together, right? She's up at 530. She's running a business. I respect the hustle.

LUKE: So why is it a no for you, sir?

RICK: Listen, it's a couple things. First off, I'm 65 years old. She's 29. I could be her grandfather, Luke.

LUKE: That's just that sounds like one of them good problems to have, sir.

RICK: Oh, come on now. No, but seriously, Luke, the ask me about Lumi glow thing. That right there tells me I'm going to spend every day hearing about skincare products and how I need to be a distributor or whatever. She says it's not a pyramid scheme and then immediately mentions a brother. If you got to show me a chart to prove it's not a pyramid scheme, it's a pyramid scheme. And look, I got nothing against faith. I was raised Catholic. My ex-wife Diane was pretty religious, but when someone leads with if you don't have a relationship with God, we need to talk about that first. That's...

LUKE: Yeah, I don't disagree with you. So what would it take for you to give Angela a chance, even though there's this dramatic age gap?

RICK: Oh, man, you're really going to make me think about this, huh? All right, listen, if Angela came at me without the sales pitch, that'd be a start. Like if she just said, hey, I run a small business and left it at that, I could respect it. And if she dialed back the intensity on the God talk, I mean, I'm not against it, but maybe we could just have coffee first before we get into my eternal soul, you know?

LUKE: That sounds very reasonable, sir. Thanks for the call. We appreciate it, but now it's time for another word from another one of our sponsors. All right, I'm going to read this ad exactly as they sent it to me, and I want you to know that I have concerns. Phantom Ranch Wellness wants you to know that your gut health starts, and I'm reading this directly from the card now, from the other end. They make an at-home coffee enemy kit. It comes in a box that says, wellness inside on the outside, which I think we can agree is doing a lot of the heavy lifting. The kit includes a medical grade silicone bag, organic single origin coffee, because apparently the coffee you put in here, that coffee needs to be single origin, a detailed instruction booklet, and a com card with a QR code to a guided meditation for daring. During. There's a guided meditation for daring. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your body. That's between you and your bathroom and whatever God you answer to. I will say the reviews are disturbingly positive. Four and a half stars. One guy said it has changed his morning routine, which I believe, because it would absolutely change your morning routine. Phantom Ranch Wellness. I read the ad. I didn't endorse it. Okay, and welcome back to the show. Sheila, Sheila, welcome to the show. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm going to read you this Tinder profile, and I want you to let me know if it's a pass or a fail for you, okay?

SHEILA: Oh God, okay. Yeah, let me hear it. I could use a laugh tonight, honestly. Go ahead.

LUKE: Okay, your match is Greg. He's 44 years old from Rio Rancho, New Mexico. In his photo, he's got wrap around Oakley's, but they're on his head, not his face. They're just kind of sitting up there. He's in the driver's seat of a truck. It looks like a ram, and he took this selfie from below, which is the worst possible angle. He's got to go tease, wearing an under-armor, looking kind of polo thing. There's a Punisher Skull sticker on the dashboard, and one of those little tree air fresheners. His other photos are the truck from the outside, a fish, a gym selfie, and a photo with his kids where their faces are scribbled out with a pen tool. His bio says, work hard, play hard, dad of two. I back into it every spot. I will hold the door open for you, whether you like it or not. Not here for games or drama. If you can't handle me in my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. Law, probably swiped right for your dog. Six oh, since that matter is apparently truck guy, gym five times a week, upper body in parentheses, looking for a woman, not a girl. Is Sheila, what do you have to say about Greg?

SHEILA: Oh Jesus Christ, Luke, that's a hard pass. Like, I'm not even being mean, but come on. First of all, the Oakley's on top of his head.

LUKE: What you got against Oakleys?

SHEILA: Nothing. Nothing against Oakleys, but when they're just sitting up there like a headband, not even being used, that's a choice. But honestly, it's the whole vibe. If you can't handle me at my worst, dude, that's a red flag the size of New Mexico.

LUKE: Yeah, I heard that a couple times tonight. Red flag the size of New Mexico. It's a pretty big red flag. So Sheila, what would you be looking for in one of these dating profiles? What would you think and what would make you want to take one of these gentlemen out?

SHEILA: Wait, hold on. I'm not actually on the market, Luke. I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. I just thought this was a fun game.

LUKE: Yeah, it is. Your boyfriend don't get nothing to do with this. What's your man get to do with me? We're just, we're just hyper thysen, hypothetical eyes in here. So imagine that you didn't have the boyfriend and you were just swiping Tinder on Valentine's Day weekend. What would you be looking for? What would, what would reach out to you? What would speak to you?

SHEILA: Okay. Okay. Hypothetically, I mean, I guess I'd want someone who's actually honest, you know? Not trying to be some tough guy or whatever. Like just say what you actually do with your time. If you make bird houses or you're into weird documentaries or whatever, just own it.

LUKE: Okay, well, you're a current boyfriend now. What was his dating profile like when you met him?

SHEILA: Oh God, we didn't meet online. We met at work actually. I was doing some taxidermy work for this hunting lodge and he was doing electrical stuff there. So no profile, just him being normal in person, I guess. Which is probably better because I don't know if I would have swiped right on anyone. Honestly, the whole thing seems exhausting.

LUKE: Okay. Well, just because you met in person doesn't mean you didn't have a dating profile.

LUKE: I'm sure he did and I'm sure that you looked for it at one point during the courtship process because if you didn't, I think at this point that would be insane. You're going to know what what what your potential partner is doing out on the inner web is now.

CALLER: Okay, you got me there. Yeah, I looked. Of course, I looked.

LUKE: Okay, and what did it say?

CALLER: Oh man, it was so bad. Like, truly terrible. He had this one picture where he's holding a fish, which whatever, guys love that. But then another one where he's just standing in front of his truck with his arms crossed. Very serious.

LUKE: So if you had just stumbled across his dating profile, you wouldn't have given him the time of day, right? You would have said, this is a terrible profile. But since you met him in person, you saw he was a normal gentleman. You saw something that you wouldn't have seen in the profile. Do you think that's common?

CALLER: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, his bio was like two sentences, something about liking the outdoors and being laid back. Which, okay, everyone says that. There was nothing in there about how he's actually pretty funny when you get him talking or that he's good with his hands. Not like that, I mean, he can fix stuff or that he's patient with my dad, which is huge because my dad is a lot.

LUKE: So what you're saying is your boyfriend isn't very good with his hands?

CALLER: Oh my god, no, I meant like fixing things. Electrical work. He literally rewired half my house. Get your stuff. I'm not going to lie on the radio and say he's bad at other stuff either.

LUKE: All right, good for you. Well, it sounds like you made the right decision and you're in a happy relationship, so I hope you two have a wonderful remainder of your Valentine's Day weekend.

CALLER: Well, hold on. I didn't call to talk about my love life. I actually called because I'm dealing with this whole nightmare situation with my neighbor's dog. It bit my kid last week, and now the neighbor is saying my daughter provoked it, which is complete bullshit.

LUKE: How do you know it's bullshit?

CALLER: Because I know my kid. She's seven. She was literally just standing in our yard throwing a ball for our own dog. When their pit mix came barreling through the fence, which has been broken for like two months by the way, and I've asked them to fix it three times. The dog went straight for her and bit her arm. She needed stitches.

LUKE: And how did the owner of the dog react to this? Did she take care of the medical bills and stuff?

CALLER: He and no, he did not. He came over after it happened, saw the blood on her shirt, and his first words were, well, what did she do to him? Like my seven-year-old is out here antagonizing dogs for fun. Then he said his dog is protective and wouldn't just attack for no reason? I'm like, dude, she's a child in her own yard. That is no reason. Now animal control is involved because I reported it, and he's telling them this whole story about how she was teasing the dog with food, which never happened.

LUKE: Well, I don't think that matters anyway. If animal control is involved and the dog has bitten the child, I don't think it really matters if the child was teasing the dog or not.

CALLER: That's what I thought too, but apparently they're doing this whole investigation thing, and his version matters for whether the dog gets labeled dangerous or not. And he's got ring camera footage. He says, we'll prove his side, but he won't show it to me, only to animal control. Which makes me think he's full of it, because if he had proof my kid did something, wouldn't he be shoving it in my face? And the worst part is, my dad, who lives with us, has been over there twice now trying to handle it man-to-man, which just means he's yelling at the guy in his driveway.

LUKE: Oh, that sounds like an uncomfortable situation. That's no fun. I'm glad that your kid is okay, and hopefully the dog is okay too, and maybe you can resolve that situation a little more peacefully.

CALLER: Luke, I didn't call for you to both sides this. The dog bit my kid. There's no hopefully the dog is okay too. The dog is fine. My daughter has six stitches and is scared to play in her own yard now, and peaceful went out the window when this guy decided to lie about what happened instead of just apologizing and fixing his damn fence.

LUKE: Well listen, you don't get to tell me how to respond, and I like dogs, so I don't ever want to see dogs be harmed or punished. And it sounds like you don't have any proof that this other guy was in the wrong. So why don't you just back the fuck up there lady and take my both sides for what it's worth, which is nothing. You call the radio show on Valentine's Day, so go fuck yourself.

CALLER: Wow. Okay, you know what Luke? I called because I thought maybe someone out there listening has dealt with this kind of thing, and could tell me what to expect from animal control, but clearly you're more worried about the feelings of a dog that put a child in urgent care than the actual child.

LUKE: Yep, that is absolutely 100% correct. You got me there. That's the truth. All right Brenda, you're going to be our last caller. I'm going to give you a dating profile, and I want you to let me know if you would go for this person or not, okay?

BRENDA: Oh man, okay. Yeah, I'll play along. Hit me with it, Luke. Let's see what you got.

LUKE: Okay, your match is Chuck. He's 58 years old from Belen, New Mexico, in his photo he's standing in the driveway next to a boat on a trailer. It looks like the boat hasn't been in the water for a long time. There's leaves in it a bunch of them. It looks like there was a tarp on it at one point, but now it's just on the ground next to the boat, and the man standing there with his hands on his hips looking real proud. The bio says, I have a boat. It doesn't run. It's been in the driveway three years. My neighbor went to the HOA twice. The HOA came to talk to me in person. I'm retired. I have nothing but time. The motor needs work. The trailer needs tires. The electrical is shot, but the hull is solid, and that's what matters. My buddy Gary says sell it. Gary drives the camera. Gary doesn't have a dream.

BRENDA: Oh my god, okay, wait. So this man's entire dating profile is basically, I'm in a standoff with my HOA over a boat that doesn't work. You know what? I'm going to swipe right on Chuck. Here's why. This man has commitment.

LUKE: All right, so this is the commitment is going to do it for you, huh? You're going to go on a date with Chuck. You're going to wait for him to fix up that boat and take you out on the lake.

BRENDA: Yeah, I mean, look, I've been married twice. Look, both times to men who said they were going to do things and then didn't. At least Chuck is honest about the fact that his boat doesn't run and probably never will. That's refreshing, and you know what? Three years fighting the HOA.

LUKE: Yeah, so Brenda, do you have a dating profile right now?

BRENDA: No, no, I don't. I'm not really in that headspace right now, to be honest. I actually called in tonight because I've got something kind of wild going on, but I was happy to play your game first.

LUKE: All right, great. Well, we appreciate that. What's going on in your life? Why are you calling in tonight?

BRENDA: Okay, so my mom passed away about eight months ago and I've been going through her stuff, right? Cleaning out the house, sorting through everything. And a couple weeks ago, I got into her old email account because I was looking for some financial documents, insurance stuff, you know, and look, I found emails going back like 15 years to a woman named Patricia and it turns out my mom had another kid.

LUKE: Oh, yeah, how old's the kid?

BRENDA: She's not a kid anymore. She's 47. Her name is Diane. My mom gave her up for adoption in like 1977, way before she had me. 

LUKE: Have you reached out to Diane at all? Have you made contact with your long-lost sister?

BRENDA: Not yet. That's the thing. I've been sitting on this for two weeks just completely freaked out. I found Diane on Facebook. She lives over in Tucson. She's got two kids, works at a credit union.

LUKE: Okay, well, are you going to try and make contact there and talk to her or are you going to let this one go?

BRENDA: Diane, yeah, I mean, that's why I'm calling. Look, I don't know if I should. Like, what do I even say? Hey, a mom died and I found out you exist while going through her emails. That sounds insane.

LUKE: It does sound a little insane but it's the truth and it is a little insane and maybe she wants to know. I mean, that's probably what I would do. I don't know how I would feel in that situation. I'd probably want to at least meet that person though.

BRENDA: Yeah, that's what keeps eating at me. Like she's my sister, half sister, whatever. She's blood. And from the emails, it looks like my mom and Patricia, that's the adoptive mom. They stayed in touch for years. They'd send updates, photos, sometimes.

LUKE: Well, it's really interesting. I'm sure your mom had a pretty good reason to give her up for adoption and it sounds like she tried to stay involved in her life so it wasn't just like a dump and run. So yeah, that's interesting but congratulations on finding a new sister. That's pretty cool.

BRENDA: I mean, yeah, when you say it like that, it sounds cool. But look, I'm also kind of pissed off. You know, my whole life, I thought I wasn't only child. My mom never said a word about this.

LUKE: Sure, but it wasn't about you. You weren't even around yet. So I'm sure that she was just trying to protect what's her name, Diane, from finding out that she was adopted and having the most normal life she possibly could. So I'm sure your mom had a reason. It sounds like she wasn't she wasn't being an asshole about it, but she for whatever reason couldn't couldn't take advocate at that time.

BRENDA: You're right. You're right. I know that in my head. Mom was only 21 when she had Diane. No money, no support. Her parents had already kicked her out. I get why she did it.

LUKE: Yeah, well, maybe maybe you could go meet up with Chuck and you and Chuck could go meet up with Diane and then you could all hash it out together and become a new happy family.

BRENDA: Oh God, no. Chuck's not in the picture anymore. He died like 10 years ago. I saw his obituary when I was doing all the stigging. Heart attack at 58. Never married. No other kids that I could find.

LUKE: Well, I don't know if we're talking about the same Chuck there because I'm talking about the Chuck that I just read to you. The dating profile. Like I have from Belen with a boat. I use also 58 though. So that's quite a coincidence.

BRENDA: Wait, what? Luke, I didn't. I've been so in my head about this Diane thing. I wasn't even listening to that part. I called in about my sister's situation, not for dating profiles. So honestly, at this point, maybe I need the distraction. What kind of boat does this Chuck have?

LUKE: Okay, well, you sound a little bit distracted. You're going to have to go back and listen to the show. And we've run out of time. This is the end of our Valentine's Day special. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your night and reach out to that long-lost sister and see if you can maybe came to a relationship. Maybe not. Who knows? But it's been another wonderful and illuminating episode of Luke at the Roost tonight. Thanks for tuning in. And I hope you all have a great evening. Well, bye.